I could update and update and update this blog, but things always seem to be the same: I have no money, I am lonely, I'm tired of being sick... Nothing is changing, and I hate it.
I have been looking for jobs like crazy, but I'm under-qualified for every position I want and no one is giving me a chance. I have been considering cross-training as a server at Bandana's, and I have also been reconsidering asking the manager at Chili's for my job back, but I'd really like to find a day job. But the problem there is that if I go back to school it will be full time, during the day. So should I really get a day job if I'm going to have to quit it in less than a year? But, is my health good enough to wait tables every day? I'm very torn...
However, I don't really have the luxury of sitting around trying to make a decision. I literally save EVERY single penny I make, and I still can't afford rent each month, let alone all the other bills I have. I have been selling things on craigslist and amazon like crazy, but it's just not cutting it... We got our deposit check back from our old place, and it wasn't NEARLY what we thought it was going to be. Since it wasn't enough to pay my mom back what we owe her though, we decided to just keep it and apply it toward our current bills, which helped me make rent this month. And I went on a job interview yesterday for a position at Joe Machens... but it doesn't really seem to be my type of job. If I get the position, it would be a major pay increase, but I'm scared I won't be able to do what the position requires... or that I will hate it. Plus the hours are terrible. I'm definitely not used to working 40 hours a week...
Now that David is back in school and Jessie is dating Bob again, I am alone a LOT more than I like. Even when David is here, he is doing homework upstairs, so it's not like we're spending a lot of time together. And when Jessie is here she is up in her room, or doing homework also... I think I've done something to make her mad lately, but I'm not really sure what... Ever since she and Bob started dating again things have been super weird between her and me. And it sucks, because I don't really have any other friends here in Columbia. Kaitlin and I haven't talked since the beginning of July -- I'm pretty sure she hates me actually. I can say I'm not sure why, but that isn't exactly true... I texted her and asked her if she could take me to the doctor but she was busy so she couldn't; then she texted me back saying we could hang out the next day but I misread it and thought she was saying she could hang out that day, and since I was feeling so shitty all I said back was, "Don't worry about it," which as a response to what she actually said was pretty rude. Plus, she and Jessie hung out after that at our house, when Jessie and I had had plans that night, and my feelings were really hurt so I was sort of cold to Kaitlin that day too... So I guess it's my fault that she doesn't talk to me anymore...
I wish the people I work with at Bandana's wanted to hang out with me. I actually wish I could move back to St. Louis, but when I really sit down and think about it I wonder if that would make things any better or not... Allyssa and I have been hanging out more lately, but only when I come in town. If I lived there I feel like it would be the same as all my other friends -- she'd be spending all her time with Derek and I would still be lonely.
To be completely honest, if I weren't sick I think my social life would be a lot better. Right now I'm sitting on the couch thinking about how if I don't focus all my effort, I might pass out. How could I possibly think about going out and having fun? Also, 99% of things I would want to do with friends requires money, which is something I'm fresh out of. That's why it makes me so sad that Jessie and aren't hanging out as much anymore. With her, we could just sit there and watch TV for four hours and that would be fine. But now I feel like that isn't good enough anymore, or I'm not good enough anymore, or something... It's just frustrating...
I am seeing two new doctors in a couple weeks. One is the neurologist my family doctor referred me to, and the other is a neuro-ophthalmologist my eye doctor and cardiologist both referred me to. I'm cautiously optimistic about seeing the two of them, because I feel like the more doctors I see, the more chance there will be to find someone who can actually help me. But I'm also nervous... I got some blood drawn last Friday and the doctor's office called me back today and said that my globulin levels were elevated. But when I asked what that meant, the person I was talking to (who I'm assuming was the receptionist) couldn't give me any information about what globulin is. She said it's only slightly elevated, and she made is sound like something I shouldn't really worry about, but since she had no idea what she was talking about I feel like I should take that with a grain of salt... I'm also nervous about the neuro-ophthalmologist specifically. The nurse or receptionist who answered the phone when I called the first time was a horrible bitch. I can't stop thinking about that, and I'm scared the doctor is going to be the same way... I know that makes no sense, but it still scares me. Plus, I have been having all these vision problems for the past year that have gotten worse recently, and I'm scared she is going to find something more serious than just POTS. Either way, no matter how nervous I am, I'm definitely more excited than anything. I feel like it's a good thing that I can still get excited about seeing a new doctor -- I feel like that shows I haven't given up on doctors altogether (even though I really really want to sometimes...).
My self-esteem is awful. Between not having a real job, being sick all the time, and feeling completely alone all the time, I feel terrible about myself. Plus, since I am bored all the time, I eat way more than I should -- which makes me feel even worse about myself. I know I need to start exercising, for more reasons than just to lose weight: exercise is supposed to help POTS patients tremendously. But I'm really scared. For one, I'm scared I'm going to pass right out on the floor of the gym, or on the side of the road, and embarrass the hell out of myself. Or even worse, not be found passed out in the street and get hit by a car or something... Or, I could exercise with someone else, but literally EVERYONE I know has exercised more than me (which isn't hard to accomplish) so they will be significantly better than me at it and I will look like a jackass. My cardiologist said I need to make time to exercise... Time is not the problem. I have plenty of time. It's motivation I'm lacking. Motivation and stamina and will-power and energy...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
stressedddd
I singlehandedly ruined my driving record in about thirty seconds today... Apparently just by CALLING Geico to ask them a hypothetical question I was forced to file a claim about the damage done when I hit that tire iron on I-70. I called them (no agent, mind you. just a call center...) to ask if it would be considered comprehensive (good) or collision (bad) and as it turns out it is what's considered at-fault collision because I hit an inanimate object and not an animal. Once the dude told me that, I wanted to cancel the claim, but it was way too late. So I went ahead and filed the claim, and then I called my mom to tell her that I had done so. She said that I shouldn't have done that (even though my DAD is the one who told me to call them in the first place!) and that she would have just paid the extra $200 (cost minus deductible) instead of having me file a claim on my insurance. I was furious at this point, because if I hadn't called them, and she would have just paid to have it fixed, I wouldn't have any claims on my insurance record. Before this, I had a completely clean driving record (as far as insurance goes...), but now, all because I called to ask a HYPOTHETICAL question, I will be stuck with this claim on my insurance for three to four years. So then I decided to try to call them back and UNfile the claim. It didn't work. They closed the claim, which means they aren't going to pay out any money to us, but it will still be on my record for the next few years. Which means my rate may go up because of it, and if I try to switch insurance companies any time until then they will see that I filed a claim. It's so upsetting... If I had an actual agent (which Geico does not have...) I feel like this would have been prevented. I feel like the agent and I would have some kind of camaraderie and he would have told me NOT to file this claim. But oh well, I guess...
On a happier note, I have a clerical exam for the City of Columbia tomorrow. After I take this exam I can apply for a position in the city prosecutor's office, and I am really getting excited about it. My mom and I worked on the application and my resume/cover letter for a while tonight, and I hope it impresses them. I am going to the HR department to take the exam tomorrow, so hopefully I'm charming enough for them to remember me. I do have some reservations though... For starters, I'm scared the HR people are going to write me off right away because I look like I'm 18. I hope they have enough sense to read the Equal Opportunity page of the application and see that I'm actually 23. Also, I'm scared the person who administers the test is going to be a bitch, or super intimidating, or rude. Thirdly, I know I am going to have to take Xanax before I go up there so I don't barf on anyone or anything, but I feel like there is a fine line between being relaxed and being comatose. I'm scared if I don't take enough I will be hella nervous, but if I take too much I will be useless on the exam.
On top of trying to deal with my car and trying to get ready for this exam, we are packing to move this weekend. This weekend is going to be a total mess, because we have to be out of our current place on Sunday morning but can't move into our new place until Monday. So we have to stay in a hotel Sunday night, with Sam. I hope he's quiet and doesn't get us kicked out... Also, since our stuff will be in a moving truck for two days, I have to pack everything that might melt or get ruined in the heat in a huge suitcase and bring it inside the hotel with us. Plus, we don't have any help for Monday, so the only muscle we have is David. I really hope we can come up with some help by then, because I'm completely useless when it comes to carrying heavy things, especially with POTS and especially in 100+ heat indexes. Mom and Jessie aren't a whole lot better, although Jessie is abnormally strong for her build...
Anyway, I am going to get everything ready for tomorrow and go to bed. I don't want to look like a zombie in the morning. Hopefully I will have good news in the job department soon...
On a happier note, I have a clerical exam for the City of Columbia tomorrow. After I take this exam I can apply for a position in the city prosecutor's office, and I am really getting excited about it. My mom and I worked on the application and my resume/cover letter for a while tonight, and I hope it impresses them. I am going to the HR department to take the exam tomorrow, so hopefully I'm charming enough for them to remember me. I do have some reservations though... For starters, I'm scared the HR people are going to write me off right away because I look like I'm 18. I hope they have enough sense to read the Equal Opportunity page of the application and see that I'm actually 23. Also, I'm scared the person who administers the test is going to be a bitch, or super intimidating, or rude. Thirdly, I know I am going to have to take Xanax before I go up there so I don't barf on anyone or anything, but I feel like there is a fine line between being relaxed and being comatose. I'm scared if I don't take enough I will be hella nervous, but if I take too much I will be useless on the exam.
On top of trying to deal with my car and trying to get ready for this exam, we are packing to move this weekend. This weekend is going to be a total mess, because we have to be out of our current place on Sunday morning but can't move into our new place until Monday. So we have to stay in a hotel Sunday night, with Sam. I hope he's quiet and doesn't get us kicked out... Also, since our stuff will be in a moving truck for two days, I have to pack everything that might melt or get ruined in the heat in a huge suitcase and bring it inside the hotel with us. Plus, we don't have any help for Monday, so the only muscle we have is David. I really hope we can come up with some help by then, because I'm completely useless when it comes to carrying heavy things, especially with POTS and especially in 100+ heat indexes. Mom and Jessie aren't a whole lot better, although Jessie is abnormally strong for her build...
Anyway, I am going to get everything ready for tomorrow and go to bed. I don't want to look like a zombie in the morning. Hopefully I will have good news in the job department soon...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
new stuffffff
My sunburn is almost gone. It peeled really bad last week, and it's still kind of a purpley-red color, and it itches, but it is much better. I still look ridiculous, but whatever...
I have been working a lot lately, because I am very behind on bills. I didn't pay the last part of my rent until the 15th. I am finally starting to get caught up on my bills, but there are a lot of things coming up that I need a lot of money for, and I'm getting scared. I only have like $1.33 in my bank account, and I don't get paid until the 29th. And my paycheck isn't going to be fantastic because I only make minimum wage... So I am going to end up having to borrow money from my parents, and I do NOT want to do that. I have already borrowed $90 from David. I hate being poor.
I have been applying for jobs and sending resumes for the last two weeks, and I have gotten nothing but rejections so far. I am under-qualified for everything, because the only jobs I've ever had were food services or retail. It's frustrating, because I know that if I actually got an interview I would most likely get the job. I just wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt...
I have been working a lot lately, because I am very behind on bills. I didn't pay the last part of my rent until the 15th. I am finally starting to get caught up on my bills, but there are a lot of things coming up that I need a lot of money for, and I'm getting scared. I only have like $1.33 in my bank account, and I don't get paid until the 29th. And my paycheck isn't going to be fantastic because I only make minimum wage... So I am going to end up having to borrow money from my parents, and I do NOT want to do that. I have already borrowed $90 from David. I hate being poor.
I have been applying for jobs and sending resumes for the last two weeks, and I have gotten nothing but rejections so far. I am under-qualified for everything, because the only jobs I've ever had were food services or retail. It's frustrating, because I know that if I actually got an interview I would most likely get the job. I just wish people would give me the benefit of the doubt...
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I just can't catch a break
I really hate my life. If it's not one thing, it's another.
This past week has been relatively symptom-free as far as my POTS is concerned, and on Monday, the fourth, I was actually able to hang out with my family all day OUTSIDE (this is a huge accomplishment) with little to no symptoms. Except I was an idiot, and didn't put sunscreen on my legs, so now they are so sunburned I can hardly move. They are incredibly swollen, and I have what appears to be the beginning of a blister on my right thigh. I have gone through almost a whole bottle of aloe and it doesn't really seem to be helping much beyond the actual application cooling my legs off momentarily. Cool baths help a little more, but they're extremely difficult to do, not to mention the fact that I freeze the whole time I'm in there. I have missed two days of work due to this already, when I really needed to be working so that I can pay rent on Friday (which is already three days past due...)... I have no idea how I'm going to pay rent, but I can't even move, let alone think about how I'm going to deal with that.
On top of all that, Jessie has an amoeba in her eye or something, so she has really needed me this week and I couldn't be there for her because I've been in so much pain myself. I feel like a huge letdown.
AND... David keeps telling me how me being sick all the time is bringing him down and making his life miserable and what not, and that is making me feel even more miserable than I already do. I finally told him last night that some days I wish he weren't in my life because I feel like that might make my life easier. It went over better than I thought it would, but now I'm scared he's going to use it to break up with me and make it sound like it's what I wanted. (Which isn't true. I don't want to break up, I just want him to stop telling me how miserable I make him.) It's just super frustrating to deal with all this shit that's already going on with me and not have the support of the one who should be the most supportive. Especially considering my parents think I'm batshit crazy.
Anyway, I'm trying to find jobs online right now, so I'm distracted. More later.
This past week has been relatively symptom-free as far as my POTS is concerned, and on Monday, the fourth, I was actually able to hang out with my family all day OUTSIDE (this is a huge accomplishment) with little to no symptoms. Except I was an idiot, and didn't put sunscreen on my legs, so now they are so sunburned I can hardly move. They are incredibly swollen, and I have what appears to be the beginning of a blister on my right thigh. I have gone through almost a whole bottle of aloe and it doesn't really seem to be helping much beyond the actual application cooling my legs off momentarily. Cool baths help a little more, but they're extremely difficult to do, not to mention the fact that I freeze the whole time I'm in there. I have missed two days of work due to this already, when I really needed to be working so that I can pay rent on Friday (which is already three days past due...)... I have no idea how I'm going to pay rent, but I can't even move, let alone think about how I'm going to deal with that.
On top of all that, Jessie has an amoeba in her eye or something, so she has really needed me this week and I couldn't be there for her because I've been in so much pain myself. I feel like a huge letdown.
AND... David keeps telling me how me being sick all the time is bringing him down and making his life miserable and what not, and that is making me feel even more miserable than I already do. I finally told him last night that some days I wish he weren't in my life because I feel like that might make my life easier. It went over better than I thought it would, but now I'm scared he's going to use it to break up with me and make it sound like it's what I wanted. (Which isn't true. I don't want to break up, I just want him to stop telling me how miserable I make him.) It's just super frustrating to deal with all this shit that's already going on with me and not have the support of the one who should be the most supportive. Especially considering my parents think I'm batshit crazy.
Anyway, I'm trying to find jobs online right now, so I'm distracted. More later.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I can't believe I'm so miserable
I went to a new doctor for my POTS last Friday. I was so excited. She changed my medicine to the one my mom's friend had suggested and also prescribed me the medicine that Allyssa took. I was so hopeful that the new medicine would help me. I took it for the first time Friday night, and I didn't feel any different on Saturday. If anything, I felt slightly worse. My anxiety was completely out of control. I'm not sure if that was because of the medicine though, or because I was scared of possible side effects of the medicine. I took it again Saturday night, and I was completely miserable on Sunday. All day it felt like I was going to faint or like I was going to have a heart attack. Then, when Allyssa and I were getting ready to order food at dinner, my heart rate was crazy. It was incredibly slow, and then it would speed up very rapidly. It was so scary that I had Allyssa take me to Urgent Care. They did an EKG, gave me an IV, and did bloodwork, but by the time the IV was done my heart rate had completely stabilized. I don't know if it was because of the IV, or because of the Xanax I took before we left dinner. Either way, the Urgent Care doctor told me he assumed this reaction was because of the new medicine, and that I should not take it anymore and call my doctor first thing Monday morning. So that's exactly what I did. And I was bed-ridden yesterday, basically. My heart rate was totally out of control. At one point, I stood up to go to the bathroom, and my heart rate went through the roof, just from standing up. I actually got tunnel vision, like I was going to faint. It was terrifying. So I decided to go ahead and take my original medicine last night, just to keep me from being completely incapacitated today while waiting for my doctor to call me back and give me further instructions. When her nurse finally called me back this morning, her instructions completely blew my mind -- my doctor wants me to take MORE than I had originally been prescribed. I am terrified that I'm going to have a freaking heart attack in the night or something. Or that I'm going to be completely unable to move tomorrow. I really hope it's not like that, but I can't help to worry about it. Especially considering I'm going to most likely be alone tonight because Jessie is going to go out, and then she works tomorrow during the day. And of course, David's gone, which is a whole separate issue that I'd rather not address, because that just really stresses me out... I just wish I could go stay at a hospital and have them take care of me until my medication is stabilized. I hate not being able to get help except between the hours of 8 and 5... if I'm lucky.
THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
THIS FUCKING SUCKS.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
some big girl thoughts
So I started a blog post on June 1 that I never finished because I didn't feel like it. It was basically just a list of things to bitch about. The things below that are in italics are from that blog post, and the regular font that follows is how I am feeling about those things now.
I feel like my parents don't want to spend any time with me.
Last weekend, I was going to go home and hang out with my mom. I told her that I had Sunday off the previous Tuesday, but she said they already had plans to go to the lake, so we couldn't hang out. I was really upset that they wouldn't change their plans to hang out with me, because they are always bitching that I never come home. It made me feel like they don't want to see me or hang out with me. It really hurt my feelings. But this weekend, I'm going to my parents' house and my mom and I are going to hang out on Saturday. So I feel a little better about that.
I am scared that David is going to leave me due to my POTS.
I still feel this way, but I'm trying really hard to be as normal as possible. I hope he can put up with me for as long as it takes to get over this. I'm finally feeling positive about the fact that I might get better, so I hope he can stick around long enough to see that.
I feel like my doctor isn't really listening to me.
I was very concerned about where to go next with my health, but then I talked to this girl Andrea that I met through a POTS forum on facebook, and she recommended her doctor to me. I have an appointment with her scheduled for this Friday, and I'm very excited and hopeful that she can help me. I just hope she listens to everything I have to say. But if she doesn't, I have somewhere else to turn as well. I talked to my primary physician yesterday and she said that if this doesn't work out, she knows of a great neurologist who might be able to help me.
I am totally unmotivated to look for a new job.
This is definitely still the case. I'm kind of worried, because I'm not making any money. But my mom wants to help me work on my resume this weekend, which is one of the things that has been holding me back from looking for a new job. So hopefully that will give me a little push in the right direction.
I feel like shit.
This is also still the case. But I have been learning that the more I move around during the day, and the less I lay around in bed, the better I feel. So I have been focusing on doing that, and it has seemed to help, at least for the last couple days. And now that I've realized I feel worse after I eat, I have been trying to eat smaller meals to keep me from feeling so crappy. It doesn't always work out that way, but at least I've been trying harder.
I am tired of being afraid of having a panic attack every five seconds.
I just have to keep reminding myself that many, many times I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack I don't. Plus it helps to know that I usually don't have panic attacks in public, so that is calming. And I am learning ways to cope with it, so that is also helpful.
I have realized that after I eat, my POTS gets worse... but I really really like to eat.
Like I said, I have just been trying to eat smaller meals, which seems to help. Hopefully it helps my weight too!
I wish I could meet people who are more like me.
I really wish I could meet other people who don't like to drink. I think I live in the wrong town for that. Everyone here wants to party all the time, and I just can't. So I really don't have anyone to hang out with. My friend Brie just moved back to Columbia though, and she isn't a big drinker anyway, so that is good. Plus she has a kid, so she can't really go out all the time either. That should help with my loneliness. I just wish people would realize that partying and drinking aren't the only things that can be fun. Maybe when I move away from a college town, that will change. Maybe I should quit being friends with newly-21-year-olds.
I am scared that I'm never going to be happy or healthy again.
This does scare me, a lot, but I was talking to my friend Kaitlin today whose roommate has POTS and she said that her roommate is starting to get better. Julie (the roommate) has had POTS for about two years, Kaitlin said, but she is starting to get better and hardly gets dizzy at all anymore. That gives me a lot of hope for my own health, except for the fact that she was diagnosed when she was a teenager (which leads to a better prognosis), and I didn't get sick until I was 22. I plan on asking the new doctor I'm seeing Friday what her honest opinion is of my prognosis. I hope it's positive, but more than that I hope she's just honest with me...
On another note, something I didn't mention in the post I started on June 1, I think I may have finally decided where to go next with my education. That sounds great, and I am very excited about it, but I'm still not 100% sure. When I was in high school, I was absolutely convinced I was going to be a lawyer, and then a judge. I started college as a political science major, but then I decided I didn't really like that. So I changed my major to biology, thinking I would work in a crime lab. By the time I graduated, I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do, but I knew I didn't want to work in a lab. I also know that I could NEVER go to medical school, because I just don't have the stomach for it. I love science. I really do. But lately people keep mentioning how good of a lawyer I would be, or how I should try out law school... and it has got me thinking in that direction again. So I looked into MU's law school. It looks like it might be pretty difficult to get into, but I seem to have a knack for taking tests, like the ACT, so I can't imagine the LSAT being much different. This is the first thing that has really interested me since I started thinking about my post-undergrad education. The only thing is that I couldn't get in until next August. Like 2012. So I started looking into grad school at MU to see what my options were, and I came across an HDFS and Law dual degree in Family Law, and that REALLY interests me. I would really like to speak with an adviser or something in the HDFS department, and ask some questions about what Family Law entails. I would like to learn about what I could do with that degree. Plus I would like to know if I could start taking HDFS classes before applying to law school to get a head start on the whole process. But the degree will take four years. If I don't start until August 2012, I won't graduate with my JD and MS until I am 28 years old. That scares me, for a few reasons. (1) I am going to miss science. I may not want to work in a lab, but I still love science, and I am going to miss learning about it when I'm getting a social science-type degree. (2) I wasn't very good at college. I am scared that four more years is going to really drive me nuts. (3) The JD program at MU is full-time day classes, so I still won't be able to get a big kid job, because I will have to be working nights. Which really saddens me. (4) If I don't graduate until I'm 28, I will be kind of old (in my personal opinion) to be starting a family. And I really want to do that. Not now, but I don't want to be doing it when I'm 28. But I also don't want to be going to law school and trying to raise a family at the same time. This is the scariest part of this whole thing. If I had graduated from college when I was 21, like I should have, and then went on to get a JD and MS, I would only be 26 when I graduated, if I took a year off, and that would be a much better time to start a family... But I don't really want to get a JD just to turn around and have to take a year off from work for pregnancy and baby-raising. I'm just so concerned about my future, something I've never really thought about until now... It's just scary. I just want to make the right decisions. I wish I had more time in my 20s...
I think I just need to see a career counselor. I am really leaning toward this Family Law idea, but if I find something I could do in the field of science that I am also interested in I might do that instead. I think I will make that a goal for this next week -- see a career counselor... I will let you know how that goes...
I feel like my parents don't want to spend any time with me.
Last weekend, I was going to go home and hang out with my mom. I told her that I had Sunday off the previous Tuesday, but she said they already had plans to go to the lake, so we couldn't hang out. I was really upset that they wouldn't change their plans to hang out with me, because they are always bitching that I never come home. It made me feel like they don't want to see me or hang out with me. It really hurt my feelings. But this weekend, I'm going to my parents' house and my mom and I are going to hang out on Saturday. So I feel a little better about that.
I am scared that David is going to leave me due to my POTS.
I still feel this way, but I'm trying really hard to be as normal as possible. I hope he can put up with me for as long as it takes to get over this. I'm finally feeling positive about the fact that I might get better, so I hope he can stick around long enough to see that.
I feel like my doctor isn't really listening to me.
I was very concerned about where to go next with my health, but then I talked to this girl Andrea that I met through a POTS forum on facebook, and she recommended her doctor to me. I have an appointment with her scheduled for this Friday, and I'm very excited and hopeful that she can help me. I just hope she listens to everything I have to say. But if she doesn't, I have somewhere else to turn as well. I talked to my primary physician yesterday and she said that if this doesn't work out, she knows of a great neurologist who might be able to help me.
I am totally unmotivated to look for a new job.
This is definitely still the case. I'm kind of worried, because I'm not making any money. But my mom wants to help me work on my resume this weekend, which is one of the things that has been holding me back from looking for a new job. So hopefully that will give me a little push in the right direction.
I feel like shit.
This is also still the case. But I have been learning that the more I move around during the day, and the less I lay around in bed, the better I feel. So I have been focusing on doing that, and it has seemed to help, at least for the last couple days. And now that I've realized I feel worse after I eat, I have been trying to eat smaller meals to keep me from feeling so crappy. It doesn't always work out that way, but at least I've been trying harder.
I am tired of being afraid of having a panic attack every five seconds.
I just have to keep reminding myself that many, many times I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack I don't. Plus it helps to know that I usually don't have panic attacks in public, so that is calming. And I am learning ways to cope with it, so that is also helpful.
I have realized that after I eat, my POTS gets worse... but I really really like to eat.
Like I said, I have just been trying to eat smaller meals, which seems to help. Hopefully it helps my weight too!
I wish I could meet people who are more like me.
I really wish I could meet other people who don't like to drink. I think I live in the wrong town for that. Everyone here wants to party all the time, and I just can't. So I really don't have anyone to hang out with. My friend Brie just moved back to Columbia though, and she isn't a big drinker anyway, so that is good. Plus she has a kid, so she can't really go out all the time either. That should help with my loneliness. I just wish people would realize that partying and drinking aren't the only things that can be fun. Maybe when I move away from a college town, that will change. Maybe I should quit being friends with newly-21-year-olds.
I am scared that I'm never going to be happy or healthy again.
This does scare me, a lot, but I was talking to my friend Kaitlin today whose roommate has POTS and she said that her roommate is starting to get better. Julie (the roommate) has had POTS for about two years, Kaitlin said, but she is starting to get better and hardly gets dizzy at all anymore. That gives me a lot of hope for my own health, except for the fact that she was diagnosed when she was a teenager (which leads to a better prognosis), and I didn't get sick until I was 22. I plan on asking the new doctor I'm seeing Friday what her honest opinion is of my prognosis. I hope it's positive, but more than that I hope she's just honest with me...
On another note, something I didn't mention in the post I started on June 1, I think I may have finally decided where to go next with my education. That sounds great, and I am very excited about it, but I'm still not 100% sure. When I was in high school, I was absolutely convinced I was going to be a lawyer, and then a judge. I started college as a political science major, but then I decided I didn't really like that. So I changed my major to biology, thinking I would work in a crime lab. By the time I graduated, I had absolutely no clue what I was going to do, but I knew I didn't want to work in a lab. I also know that I could NEVER go to medical school, because I just don't have the stomach for it. I love science. I really do. But lately people keep mentioning how good of a lawyer I would be, or how I should try out law school... and it has got me thinking in that direction again. So I looked into MU's law school. It looks like it might be pretty difficult to get into, but I seem to have a knack for taking tests, like the ACT, so I can't imagine the LSAT being much different. This is the first thing that has really interested me since I started thinking about my post-undergrad education. The only thing is that I couldn't get in until next August. Like 2012. So I started looking into grad school at MU to see what my options were, and I came across an HDFS and Law dual degree in Family Law, and that REALLY interests me. I would really like to speak with an adviser or something in the HDFS department, and ask some questions about what Family Law entails. I would like to learn about what I could do with that degree. Plus I would like to know if I could start taking HDFS classes before applying to law school to get a head start on the whole process. But the degree will take four years. If I don't start until August 2012, I won't graduate with my JD and MS until I am 28 years old. That scares me, for a few reasons. (1) I am going to miss science. I may not want to work in a lab, but I still love science, and I am going to miss learning about it when I'm getting a social science-type degree. (2) I wasn't very good at college. I am scared that four more years is going to really drive me nuts. (3) The JD program at MU is full-time day classes, so I still won't be able to get a big kid job, because I will have to be working nights. Which really saddens me. (4) If I don't graduate until I'm 28, I will be kind of old (in my personal opinion) to be starting a family. And I really want to do that. Not now, but I don't want to be doing it when I'm 28. But I also don't want to be going to law school and trying to raise a family at the same time. This is the scariest part of this whole thing. If I had graduated from college when I was 21, like I should have, and then went on to get a JD and MS, I would only be 26 when I graduated, if I took a year off, and that would be a much better time to start a family... But I don't really want to get a JD just to turn around and have to take a year off from work for pregnancy and baby-raising. I'm just so concerned about my future, something I've never really thought about until now... It's just scary. I just want to make the right decisions. I wish I had more time in my 20s...
I think I just need to see a career counselor. I am really leaning toward this Family Law idea, but if I find something I could do in the field of science that I am also interested in I might do that instead. I think I will make that a goal for this next week -- see a career counselor... I will let you know how that goes...
Saturday, May 28, 2011
my thoughts don't make sense sometimes
I haven't been this depressed in a long time. Or maybe I'm not depressed. I feel more defeated than sad. Like I should just give up on trying because nothing I do is ever going to be good enough.
I can't get myself together. I have no motivation to do anything that I need to do. I have a to-do list. Some things stay on that list for a month before I finally force myself to do them. Not because they're hard. But because they require energy. Or thought. Or me to get up off the couch. I feel so bad about myself because I never get anything accomplished. It's a vicious cycle. The less I do, the worse I feel about myself, so the less motivated I am to get up and do anything.
Jessie is always gone. If she's not at work, she is out partying. I am unbelievably lonely a lot of the time. She and I used to spend many nights a week together, watching our shows or just hanging out and talking. And now she goes out literally every night. And I can't go, because just the thought of being around all those people in a bar or a house party makes my head spin. So I sit here alone, scared to say anything to her because I know it's not going to matter and it's just going to make things awkward between us. Why doesn't she want to hang out at home with me? Probably the same reason David doesn't -- because it's boring. I'm boring. I feel like life is passing me by because all I want to do is sit in my bed. Or on the couch. But mostly my bed.
I had so much more I was going to write. But my incredible anxiety is keeping me from having focused thoughts... So I guess I will have to write more later.
I can't get myself together. I have no motivation to do anything that I need to do. I have a to-do list. Some things stay on that list for a month before I finally force myself to do them. Not because they're hard. But because they require energy. Or thought. Or me to get up off the couch. I feel so bad about myself because I never get anything accomplished. It's a vicious cycle. The less I do, the worse I feel about myself, so the less motivated I am to get up and do anything.
Jessie is always gone. If she's not at work, she is out partying. I am unbelievably lonely a lot of the time. She and I used to spend many nights a week together, watching our shows or just hanging out and talking. And now she goes out literally every night. And I can't go, because just the thought of being around all those people in a bar or a house party makes my head spin. So I sit here alone, scared to say anything to her because I know it's not going to matter and it's just going to make things awkward between us. Why doesn't she want to hang out at home with me? Probably the same reason David doesn't -- because it's boring. I'm boring. I feel like life is passing me by because all I want to do is sit in my bed. Or on the couch. But mostly my bed.
I had so much more I was going to write. But my incredible anxiety is keeping me from having focused thoughts... So I guess I will have to write more later.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Day 29: 3 wishes
Where to start...
(1) First and foremost, I wish I didn't have POTS. Seriously, for an illness that's not life-threatening or majorly debilitating, it's really freaking irritating. I hate that I never feel GOOD. I have better days than others, but I never feel good. And it sucks.
(2) Second, I wish that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wish I could decide now how I want to spend the rest of my life. I know I COULD make that decision right now, but I want it to be the right one. I just want to be happy with my choice.
(3) Third, I wish that I could eat anything I wanted with no repercussions. No weight gain, no health issues.
(1) First and foremost, I wish I didn't have POTS. Seriously, for an illness that's not life-threatening or majorly debilitating, it's really freaking irritating. I hate that I never feel GOOD. I have better days than others, but I never feel good. And it sucks.
(2) Second, I wish that I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wish I could decide now how I want to spend the rest of my life. I know I COULD make that decision right now, but I want it to be the right one. I just want to be happy with my choice.
(3) Third, I wish that I could eat anything I wanted with no repercussions. No weight gain, no health issues.
Day 28: Something that stresses me out
Oh my. This one will be easy. Because there are tons of things that stress me out.
(1) Having POTS. Aside from the fact that anxiety-like symptoms are part of the syndrome, the fear that I will pass out or vomit in public due to this illness is sometimes overwhelming. Waiting in line can be difficult, because I'm always scared I will need to leave the situation but can't. Of course, aside from that first time at Cedar Point, I've never had to do that. But it still stresses me out, a lot.
(2) Worrying about hail on my new car. I have never worried so much about the weather before, and this storm season we're having is making it even more worrisome. It hailed on my car last weekend for about fifteen minutes, and I was stuck on the highway and couldn't do anything about it. I was hysterical, and I was SURE my car was ruined. It turned out that, as far as David and I can tell, there was no damage caused by the hail, but it was still scary.
(3) Money issues. I'm sure lots of people (if not most people) are stressed out about money. My stresses come from the fact that I really just want to be independent. I want to be able to pay for everything I need to and be self-sufficient. But making minimum wage and working twenty hours a week isn't cutting it. I just received a lot of money for graduation, but all of that will be going toward bills. I need to find a new job, but I'm very scared. Which leads to...
(4) My job. I hate my job. I hate wasting my time working for minimum wage for a man I despise. I would like to get a 9 to 5 job, maybe doing receptionist work or something, while I try to decide what I would like to do next (as far as deciding between grad school and a job...). But I'm scared... I'm afraid it's going to be hard. Or that my POTS will get worse and I will have to miss work and then I'll get fired. I'm just having trouble pulling the trigger because I don't want to leave my comfort zone when I'm not completely confident in my abilities because of my illness. It's a combination of laziness, comfort, and fear, I think.
It is nice to not have the added stress of school mixed in with all this, even though I do miss it. Hopefully within the next few months I will decide how I want to move forward, and then I can go back to school. Or something...
(1) Having POTS. Aside from the fact that anxiety-like symptoms are part of the syndrome, the fear that I will pass out or vomit in public due to this illness is sometimes overwhelming. Waiting in line can be difficult, because I'm always scared I will need to leave the situation but can't. Of course, aside from that first time at Cedar Point, I've never had to do that. But it still stresses me out, a lot.
(2) Worrying about hail on my new car. I have never worried so much about the weather before, and this storm season we're having is making it even more worrisome. It hailed on my car last weekend for about fifteen minutes, and I was stuck on the highway and couldn't do anything about it. I was hysterical, and I was SURE my car was ruined. It turned out that, as far as David and I can tell, there was no damage caused by the hail, but it was still scary.
(3) Money issues. I'm sure lots of people (if not most people) are stressed out about money. My stresses come from the fact that I really just want to be independent. I want to be able to pay for everything I need to and be self-sufficient. But making minimum wage and working twenty hours a week isn't cutting it. I just received a lot of money for graduation, but all of that will be going toward bills. I need to find a new job, but I'm very scared. Which leads to...
(4) My job. I hate my job. I hate wasting my time working for minimum wage for a man I despise. I would like to get a 9 to 5 job, maybe doing receptionist work or something, while I try to decide what I would like to do next (as far as deciding between grad school and a job...). But I'm scared... I'm afraid it's going to be hard. Or that my POTS will get worse and I will have to miss work and then I'll get fired. I'm just having trouble pulling the trigger because I don't want to leave my comfort zone when I'm not completely confident in my abilities because of my illness. It's a combination of laziness, comfort, and fear, I think.
It is nice to not have the added stress of school mixed in with all this, even though I do miss it. Hopefully within the next few months I will decide how I want to move forward, and then I can go back to school. Or something...
Day 27: original photo of my city
This one was kind of hard for me at first. I take lots of pictures, but most of them are indoors, and none of them really show what Columbia is actually like. So I had to borrow a picture from one of my friends, Monique. This picture is of the Magic Tree, this tree that is decorated with a ton of Christmas lights in December. There are supposedly lights on every branch of the tree!
I would have liked to post a picture of the columns on MU's campus, but oh well. This is pretty unique to Columbia, too!
I would have liked to post a picture of the columns on MU's campus, but oh well. This is pretty unique to Columbia, too!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Day 26: my dream wedding
This one will be easy. Because I haven't thought that much about it. I really want my wedding to be simple. I want to be so in love with the person I marry that my wedding won't matter. I watched wayyy too many love stories as a kid, and I really do believe in true love... not necessarily soul mates, but true love. So that's all I really want at my dream wedding. True love.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Day 25: Put my iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
1. Chop Suey - System of a Down
2. Goodbye To You - Michelle Branch
3. Shake Ya Ass - Mystikal
4. Fancy - Reba McEntire
5. If You're Gone - Matchbox 20
6. The World's Greatest - R. Kelly
7. You Were Meant For Me - Jewel
8. U Don't Know My Name - Alicia Keys
9. Family Portrait - Pink
10. My Way - Usher
This is a terrrrrible example of what I like to listen to. I really only like the first song. Jeez, I really need to clean up my iPod...
2. Goodbye To You - Michelle Branch
3. Shake Ya Ass - Mystikal
4. Fancy - Reba McEntire
5. If You're Gone - Matchbox 20
6. The World's Greatest - R. Kelly
7. You Were Meant For Me - Jewel
8. U Don't Know My Name - Alicia Keys
9. Family Portrait - Pink
10. My Way - Usher
This is a terrrrrible example of what I like to listen to. I really only like the first song. Jeez, I really need to clean up my iPod...
Day 24: something I've learned
"Youth is wasted on the young." That is what I have learned. I wish I could go back to high school and have no responsibilities. More than that, I wish I had known how good I had it back then. But that's the nature of life. Young people are inexperienced, so they don't realize just how good they have it... Life's funny.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Day 23: favorite movies
Ok, 30 day challenge. You really dropped the ball here. I already answered this question.
Day 22: What's in my purse?
This should be therapeutic. I need to clean it out anyway! Let's see:
- bottle of Ibuprofen
- bandana (I have to wear it for work)
- checkbook
- 4 ink pens
- mechanical pencil
- wallet
- 3 chapsticks
- face powder
- Extra polar ice gum
- hair brush
- hand lotion
- sunglasses
- concealer
- piece of paper with last week's work schedule on it
- car keys
- non-mechanical pencil (it's glittery and pink, and I never use, but I love it)
- Bandana'a nametag
- mascara
- flashlight
- deodorant
- loyalty card to Tiger Express Carwash
- eye liner
- visor clip-on that says "Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly"
- spare car key
- packet of Ibuprofen
- bottle of naproxen
- a dime
- 5 bobby pins
- prescription I never filled
- receipt for the car battery I bought for my old car
- receipt for David's mom's Christmas gift
- 3 ponytail holders
- 6 tampons
- two gum wrappers
- two Andes mint wrappers
- a lifesaver mint wrapper
- spare keys to David's car
Monday, May 9, 2011
Day 21: Favorite picture of myself ALL TIME. Why?
I love this picture of myself, but I'm not really sure how to answer why. Maybe it's because I look so happy. Or maybe it's because it's a silly picture. I think most of it is that I think my hair looks good in it. And you can't see my double chin. Plus my boobs look big.
I had a hard time choosing between this picture and two other pictures from that night. I must have been overly photogenic that night, because usually not very many good pictures turn out of me during one event...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Day 20: Nicknames
When I was in junior high and high school, I had lots of nicknames, and none of them were very nice... My 8th grade science teacher started calling me Skara, and I legit STILL get called that from time to time. I was also called Shwhitey (because I'm loud, and pale... it started out as "shh, Whitey", but I guess that was too long...), and then my junior year this boy Josh started calling me Seabiscuit and literally everyone started calling me that. He said he gave me that nickname because my teeth jut out in the front, like a horse's... High school's fun...
Once I got out of high school, all those nicknames (minus Skara...) have pretty much gone away, although Jenn's husband Corey calls me Whitey. He came up with that one his own though.
The one nickname I've had my whole life is Nick. My middle name is Nicole, and my whole family calls me Nick. I still think a little part of it is because my dad wanted a boy and if I were a boy my name would have been Nick... but that's neither here nor there. My whole family calls me that, and I always respond when I hear the word Nick at my parents'. When I was dating a guy named Nick, things got sort of confusing at my parents' house...
Once I got out of high school, all those nicknames (minus Skara...) have pretty much gone away, although Jenn's husband Corey calls me Whitey. He came up with that one his own though.
The one nickname I've had my whole life is Nick. My middle name is Nicole, and my whole family calls me Nick. I still think a little part of it is because my dad wanted a boy and if I were a boy my name would have been Nick... but that's neither here nor there. My whole family calls me that, and I always respond when I hear the word Nick at my parents'. When I was dating a guy named Nick, things got sort of confusing at my parents' house...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Day 19: something I miss
I miss a lot of things. I'm a pretty nostalgic person, and I think a lot about how things used to be. But the thing I miss the most is my life before I had POTS.
When I first got POTS, it made my life a living nightmare. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and my family and friends thought I was bat-shit crazy because no one could see my symptoms. In January, when I was diagnosed, I thought I finally had the answer -- I thought I was going to start taking this medicine and I would be fine. And eventually, by about March, I was feeling lots better.
But this past few weeks have been rough, culminating with tonight, where I almost passed out at work. I feel like I'm not even on medication. It feels just like it did when I first started having symptoms. I don't know if it's the heat, or stress from finals/birthday/graduation, or what, but it's killing me. And my mom told me tonight that I just need to learn how to control it. Well if I knew how to do that, I obviously would already be doing it. No one in my life understands. My family thinks I'm crazy -- yesterday, for the 30 day challenge I'm doing on facebook, I posted a picture of POTS for something that has impacted my life recently... and my grandma commented that there are people with worse things than that. No one has ANY FUCKING CLUE what it's like to be inside my body, miserable all the time. In pain, dizzy, completely confused all the time. It makes my life a living nightmare, and, contrary to popular belief, I think I'm being pretty DAMN positive about having a chronic, incurable, possibly lifelong disease... But no one agrees.
And then there are the people who tell me they think it's all in my head. I think my mom thinks that. I KNOW she thinks that about the anxiety I've been having for the last ten years. She tells me to just "stop". Like I hadn't thought of that brilliant idea yet. Like I could do that if I wanted to... Other people think that too, and it's really upsetting because it ISN'T all in my head. But to prove that, I'd have to faint in public, or drink alcohol and then have a heart attack or something. NO ONE BELIEVES ME, and it is SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING.
... But I've strayed from the point. I miss my life before POTS. I miss being able to go out until 3 in the morning and not have to worry about getting enough sleep so I'm not sick the next day. I miss being able to have a drink with my friends. I miss being invited out. I miss spontaneity. I miss not taking 8000 pills a day, even though they don't make me feel that much better. I miss being happy...
When I first got POTS, it made my life a living nightmare. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and my family and friends thought I was bat-shit crazy because no one could see my symptoms. In January, when I was diagnosed, I thought I finally had the answer -- I thought I was going to start taking this medicine and I would be fine. And eventually, by about March, I was feeling lots better.
But this past few weeks have been rough, culminating with tonight, where I almost passed out at work. I feel like I'm not even on medication. It feels just like it did when I first started having symptoms. I don't know if it's the heat, or stress from finals/birthday/graduation, or what, but it's killing me. And my mom told me tonight that I just need to learn how to control it. Well if I knew how to do that, I obviously would already be doing it. No one in my life understands. My family thinks I'm crazy -- yesterday, for the 30 day challenge I'm doing on facebook, I posted a picture of POTS for something that has impacted my life recently... and my grandma commented that there are people with worse things than that. No one has ANY FUCKING CLUE what it's like to be inside my body, miserable all the time. In pain, dizzy, completely confused all the time. It makes my life a living nightmare, and, contrary to popular belief, I think I'm being pretty DAMN positive about having a chronic, incurable, possibly lifelong disease... But no one agrees.
And then there are the people who tell me they think it's all in my head. I think my mom thinks that. I KNOW she thinks that about the anxiety I've been having for the last ten years. She tells me to just "stop". Like I hadn't thought of that brilliant idea yet. Like I could do that if I wanted to... Other people think that too, and it's really upsetting because it ISN'T all in my head. But to prove that, I'd have to faint in public, or drink alcohol and then have a heart attack or something. NO ONE BELIEVES ME, and it is SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING.
... But I've strayed from the point. I miss my life before POTS. I miss being able to go out until 3 in the morning and not have to worry about getting enough sleep so I'm not sick the next day. I miss being able to have a drink with my friends. I miss being invited out. I miss spontaneity. I miss not taking 8000 pills a day, even though they don't make me feel that much better. I miss being happy...
Friday, May 6, 2011
Day 18: favorite place to eat
Sadly, one of my favorite places to eat is Chili's. I know, I know... I worked there for over a year and ate there at the very least once a week... I still eat there all the time even though I don't work there anymore. It is pathetic, really.
Another place I love is Red Lobster. I love seafood, and when I get to eat there it makes me so happy... mmm, Cheddar Bay biscuits...
I also really love El Maguey. Best. Queso. Ever. I never liked Mexican food until about a year and a half ago when Jessie forced me to go there. Then I decided I love it. A lot.
Obviously, I'm really big on chain restaurants. I don't venture much past them. I would like to, but I'm scared of the unknown, so I don't. I'm a baby.
Another place I love is Red Lobster. I love seafood, and when I get to eat there it makes me so happy... mmm, Cheddar Bay biscuits...
I also really love El Maguey. Best. Queso. Ever. I never liked Mexican food until about a year and a half ago when Jessie forced me to go there. Then I decided I love it. A lot.
Obviously, I'm really big on chain restaurants. I don't venture much past them. I would like to, but I'm scared of the unknown, so I don't. I'm a baby.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
There are lots of things I am looking forward to this month. I am looking forward to my birthday on the 10th, graduation weekend the 14th through 16th, and my graduation party on the 21st. I am just really excited to be done stressing out about school. I'm also looking forward to having more free time this summer to just hang out.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Day 16: Dream house
This one is kind of hard. I am not a very creative person, so designing my own house is going to be kind of out of the question. So I will just list some of the features I would like my dream house to have.
I would really like to have a two story house. We never had that as a kid, and while in college I lived in a duplex with two stories and I like that. Sam likes stairs.
I would also probably want a patio or porch on the second story. So no burglars can come in, but I could sit out there and feel safe. (I mean, I guess if they had a ladder they could get in, but most aren't that crafty... right??)
I would want my house located in the suburbs I think. I lived in a fairly rural area until I moved to Columbia, and once I moved here I realized how much I like living close to the places I want to go. Like work. When I was 16 I had to drive 30 minutes one way to work, and I basically spent all the money I made on gas. So I would like to live in the suburbs, but not in a city.
A garage is a must. And lots of storage space. And a basement for when there are tornadoes. And a big kitchen. And an appropriate amount of bathrooms for the number of people who live there.
I obviously don't care much about these things. I'm not big on flashy or elaborate things, and my dream house will be no different, I'm sure... Or, I'm so poor now that any nice house that's not in a ghetto will do and I can't think beyond that...
I would really like to have a two story house. We never had that as a kid, and while in college I lived in a duplex with two stories and I like that. Sam likes stairs.
I would also probably want a patio or porch on the second story. So no burglars can come in, but I could sit out there and feel safe. (I mean, I guess if they had a ladder they could get in, but most aren't that crafty... right??)
I would want my house located in the suburbs I think. I lived in a fairly rural area until I moved to Columbia, and once I moved here I realized how much I like living close to the places I want to go. Like work. When I was 16 I had to drive 30 minutes one way to work, and I basically spent all the money I made on gas. So I would like to live in the suburbs, but not in a city.
A garage is a must. And lots of storage space. And a basement for when there are tornadoes. And a big kitchen. And an appropriate amount of bathrooms for the number of people who live there.
I obviously don't care much about these things. I'm not big on flashy or elaborate things, and my dream house will be no different, I'm sure... Or, I'm so poor now that any nice house that's not in a ghetto will do and I can't think beyond that...
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Day 15: Bible verse
I am not even remotely a religious person. I don't know Bible verses, and I don't go to church. I don't judge other people for what they DO believe in, so don't judge me for what I DON'T believe in.
That is all.
That is all.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Day 14: A picture of me last year - how have I changed?
This picture was taken almost exactly one year ago, on my birthday. Lots of things have changed in my life since then.The biggest difference between myself then and myself now is that I could never drink alcohol now like I did the night this picture was taken. Since being diagnosed with POTS I have reduced my alcohol consumption to zero because drinking alcohol makes me feel dramatically worse. Most of the time I'm okay with this, because I was kind of tapering off my drinking before I got sick anyway, but sometimes it's a little sad. I don't get invited out to bars or parties really anymore, because everyone knows I won't have fun being the sober girl watching everyone else get wasted and act like jackasses. When I do go out, I have to drink water, and I have to deal with the million questions that go along with that. Sometimes I just want to lie and say I'm drinking vodka straight, but I don't... POTS has really changed my life, in more ways than just this one, and I can only really come up with negative ways it has done so...
But enough with that. Since this picture was taken, I re-enrolled in college; I will have finished my degree by this time two weeks from now. David and I moved apart, and now I live with Jessie. Even though I'm lonelier than I was when we lived together, as far as sleeping alone most nights, I think it was the right move for our relationship. It, along with not going out partying every night, has made me realize all the good things about him and our relationship without having to deal with the stress of trying to pay bills together and keep a house clean together (which we NEVER EVER did).
When that picture was taken I still worked at Chili's. In fact, that picture was taken at Chili's. But in December, Tracie (my old boss) and I disagreed about my holiday schedule, and, long story short, I don't work there anymore. I work at Bandana's now, and I hate it. It isn't the company. It isn't even the people I work with for the most part. It's mainly two things: (1) first and foremost, it isn't Chili's. I miss working with people I know, people I have known for the last (almost) two years. I miss working with Jessie. And (2) working for minimum wage really really sucks. Especially considering I was serving and making almost triple that an hour before I left Chili's. It's frustrating, and it's not paying the bills, which makes it even worse. But I'm finally starting to bond with some of the people I work with, so it's getting harder to think about quitting there, even though I think about it a lot...
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I miss the hairstyle I had in that picture. About a month and a half ago I made the horrific mistake of getting an $11 haircut, and I'm still paying for it in the stress that it's caused. I told the girl who cut it that I wanted about three inches cut off, and instead she cut off like seven. She also gave me little boy bangs that aren't remotely close to being even, and I'm not sure how I'm ever going get that fixed. I am going to have to wait five years until they have grown the length of the rest of my hair I guess. I miss my long, pretty, non-little-boy-like hair from last year. It's sad.
Day 13: Goals
Oh goals. I have never been very good at accomplishing big goals in my life. When I graduated high school I thought I would be two years into law school by now. Oops. Instead I am struggling to graduate with a 3.0 GPA with my undergrad in biology.
Actually, the lack of accomplishing my goals in life has been one factor leading to my low self-esteem, I think. I never really do what I set out to do, and it frustrates and embarrasses me. I read an article today about procrastination, and about how, if I just did the tasks I need to get done in a timely manner, I would realize that they aren't as bad as they seem, and I would get them finished before the dead line makes me crazy... But I don't do that. And that is part of the reason I rarely accomplish my goals. I am kind of an unmotivated person, in general, mainly because I don't really know what I want out of life. And that's hard. It's a vicious cycle; I am unmotivated because I don't know what I want to do, but because I don't accomplish anything it lowers my self-esteem and depresses me, which leads to a further lack of motivation.
Having said all that, I do have things I would like to accomplish in my life. I want to have a job where I help people. That's really important to me, but aside from being a doctor I'm not sure how I could use my biology degree to do that. I think I would like to go to a career counselor to see what my options are, but I keep putting it off. Because that's what I do.
Another goal I have is to earn enough money to support myself comfortably some time in the (extremely) near future. Minimum wage at a job I hate just isn't cutting it, but I'm not sure where to go from here. I need something for now that will more than pay the bills (or pay them at all...), but I don't want to go out and get a "big kid job" because I don't know what I want to do as a career. "Big kid jobs" aren't as disposable as restaurant or retail jobs, and I'm scared that if I got a "big kid job" I would hate it, or I would figure out what I really wanted to do but then I couldn't leave that job because it would look bad on a resume that I quit a "big kid job" after a month. It's a lot to wrap my brain around, and no one seems to understand the feelings that I have about it. It's sort of frustrating...
A goal that many women have, which is having babies and getting married, seems very distant to me. I suppose one day I might like those things (might being the key word), but they are both very big commitments that scare me right now. Maybe in the future those two things will be closer to the top of my list of goals, but for right now they are pretty low priorities.
Right now my biggest goal is to finish college with as close to a 3.0 GPA as I can get, and celebrate with my friends and family. I am having a hard time looking past the next two weeks because I'm so busy, so if I accomplish this task I will be happy.
Actually, the lack of accomplishing my goals in life has been one factor leading to my low self-esteem, I think. I never really do what I set out to do, and it frustrates and embarrasses me. I read an article today about procrastination, and about how, if I just did the tasks I need to get done in a timely manner, I would realize that they aren't as bad as they seem, and I would get them finished before the dead line makes me crazy... But I don't do that. And that is part of the reason I rarely accomplish my goals. I am kind of an unmotivated person, in general, mainly because I don't really know what I want out of life. And that's hard. It's a vicious cycle; I am unmotivated because I don't know what I want to do, but because I don't accomplish anything it lowers my self-esteem and depresses me, which leads to a further lack of motivation.
Having said all that, I do have things I would like to accomplish in my life. I want to have a job where I help people. That's really important to me, but aside from being a doctor I'm not sure how I could use my biology degree to do that. I think I would like to go to a career counselor to see what my options are, but I keep putting it off. Because that's what I do.
Another goal I have is to earn enough money to support myself comfortably some time in the (extremely) near future. Minimum wage at a job I hate just isn't cutting it, but I'm not sure where to go from here. I need something for now that will more than pay the bills (or pay them at all...), but I don't want to go out and get a "big kid job" because I don't know what I want to do as a career. "Big kid jobs" aren't as disposable as restaurant or retail jobs, and I'm scared that if I got a "big kid job" I would hate it, or I would figure out what I really wanted to do but then I couldn't leave that job because it would look bad on a resume that I quit a "big kid job" after a month. It's a lot to wrap my brain around, and no one seems to understand the feelings that I have about it. It's sort of frustrating...
A goal that many women have, which is having babies and getting married, seems very distant to me. I suppose one day I might like those things (might being the key word), but they are both very big commitments that scare me right now. Maybe in the future those two things will be closer to the top of my list of goals, but for right now they are pretty low priorities.
Right now my biggest goal is to finish college with as close to a 3.0 GPA as I can get, and celebrate with my friends and family. I am having a hard time looking past the next two weeks because I'm so busy, so if I accomplish this task I will be happy.
Day 12: something I can't leave the house without
Sad but true: I can't leave the house without my iPhone.
This isn't a picture of my actual phone, but I have this case on it. I love this case, even though it's huge, because I love the phone so much I want to keep it safe!
I never thought I would jump on the iPhone bandwagon, but I have and I don't ever want to jump off. I use it for everything: checking the weather, checking my facebook, reading emails, reading the news, and most importantly playing Angry Birds! And now, my new car has Bluetooth in it, so the songs on my iPhone play on the car stereo without having to plug it in, and I can also talk on the phone through my car.
My phone is awesome.
This isn't a picture of my actual phone, but I have this case on it. I love this case, even though it's huge, because I love the phone so much I want to keep it safe!I never thought I would jump on the iPhone bandwagon, but I have and I don't ever want to jump off. I use it for everything: checking the weather, checking my facebook, reading emails, reading the news, and most importantly playing Angry Birds! And now, my new car has Bluetooth in it, so the songs on my iPhone play on the car stereo without having to plug it in, and I can also talk on the phone through my car.
My phone is awesome.
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