Day 11: favorite TV shows

A good way to tell what shows are actually my favorite shows is to check my DVR. If there is something I actually like to watch, I have to record it, because I am REALLY bad at remembering when things are on.

My favorite show is How I Met Your Mother.

I think this show is absolutely amazing. The writing on the show is fantastic, and all five lead actors are perfect for their roles. Plus I'm in love with Jason Segel.

Another show I love is Jersey Shore.


Call me trashy. But I absolutely love this show. I have seen every single episode. A lot of people I know love this show, but there are lots of people who hate it too. But I'm convinced that most people who say they hate it haven't actually watched it... because if they had, they would love it as much as I do.

Another show I love is Teen Mom.


I love Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. I love watching everything these girls have to deal with when they're only teenagers. I am almost 23 and I'm not sure if I could handle parenthood as well as some of them, like Macy or Kailyn. It makes me happy I didn't have a baby when I was a teenager...

There are tons more shows that I like, but these three are the ones that I like the most. They're the ones that take up all the space on the DVR!

Day 10: something I'm afraid of

Well, before about ten minutes ago, my answer to this question would have been different. But then I checked my grades and saw that I got a 36/100 on the Organic Chemistry test I took last night. Now I'm afraid of not graduating. Seriously. I don't know what I would do. My parents have been planning all this party stuff for graduation. They have gotten hotel rooms for graduation weekend. THEY BOUGHT ME A CAR AS A GIFT. I cannot mess this up. I actually studied for that test. It was ridiculously hard. I really hope the average is insanely low and he is forced to curve it more than he normally would. I am so glad I got an 80 on my first test. I feel like that is the only thing saving me right now. I'm scared...

Before tonight, I think I would have answered this question with something along the lines of being afraid of the future. I am not sure what I want to do with my life, and that scares me, a lot. I will only be 23 when I graduate, but I don't want to be a 30 year old waitress. I want to do something substantial with my life, but I just don't know what, and that scares me.

Another thing that scares me is not having any money... My parents' stipulation for buying me that car was that they won't help me out financially anymore. And that is scary. Especially considering my new job sucks and I don't make any money. I am freaking out because I don't know how I'm going pay rent or any of my bills in the near future. It's a very scary situation.

A third thing that scares me is losing Sam. He means the world to me, and I would be so sad without him. When he got sick back in February, it tore me apart, because it made me think about what would happen if he weren't around. I never thought I could be so attached to an animal, but I definitely am.

Something else that scares me, which isn't nearly as important as the others, is that something or someone is going to damage my new car. I have been parking it at the far ends of parking lots, taking up two spaces, cramming it into my tiny garage... All so nothing happens to it. Which is silly, of course, because I know something is EVENTUALLY going to happen to it... But for now, I want it to stay as new as possible for as long as possible.

I'm really afraid of a lot of things. I could make this list go on forever. But I will leave it at those few things.

Day 9: a favorite picture of my best friend

"Best friend" was always one of those terms I threw around a lot when I was younger. I have had several people come in and out of my life that I considered my best friend. Some have remained a part of my life, if not as close, and some have all but disappeared. But right now, I would consider Jessie and Jenn my best friends.

Jessie and I take all kinds of pictures together, but it's very rare that we both like them. One of us always has a dumb look on our face or something. This picture is one of the few that we both like:

This was from one night about a year and a half ago when a bunch of us from Chili's went out drinking at Houlihan's after work. It was a lot of fun. I miss being able to go out...

Jenn and I don't get to hang out much anymore, so there aren't very many pictures of us together either.

This one was from the day a group of us made her wedding invitations. It was fun! I miss Jenn living right down the street. =(

Anyway, I'm totally exhausted. I spent all day studying for my chemistry exam that I had tonight. I felt more confident about this one than the last one, but when I actually took the exam I knew only one question out of twenty-five for certain... I think... I don't even care at this point, as long as I pass. Getting an A is out of the question, I'm sure. Oh well. Life goes on.

Day 8: a place I've traveled

When I was a kid we didn't go on vacations. My parents went to Myrtle Beach once, but they didn't take us. We went to Colorado a couple times, but only because that's where my dad's siblings and parents lived. We didn't do anything fun, like go skiing or anything. Then, once my grandparents moved back to Michigan we started visiting them there, but it was the same thing... Nothing fun.

But when I was 14, the high school choir and band program decided to take a trip to New York City. I was really excited when I first heard about it, but it was a little over a year after 9/11, and I got scared and decided I didn't want to go. Finally, about two months before the trip, I changed my mind again and decided to go. And I'm really really glad I did. It was only a three day trip, so everything was a whirlwind. We went to all the main tourist attractions -- the Empire State Building, Times Square, Statue of Liberty. We went to Juliard (remember, it was a choir/band trip), Hard Rock Cafe, Greenwich Village. It was ridiculously fun, and at 14 all those tourist-y places were perfect.

Then, when I was 19, my roommate Monique and I decided to take a spur-of-the-moment trip to San Antonio to see Mizzou play in the Big 12 Championship game. We bought tickets from a guy I used to work with, and then she and I, and David, took off for Texas. The 14 hour drive turned into a 17 hour drive because we kept getting lost and it rained a lot of the way there. We didn't get to my uncle's house in San Antonio until 6AM. It was miserable... Then, we woke up at noon because we wanted to go see the Alamo, and after my aunt made us breakfast we headed out to sight-see a bit before the game at 7. But once we got downtown, we realized that there was going to be NO parking at all, so we ended up having to park and go to the game early so we didn't have to walk a million miles. Mizzou ended up losing the game, and then we had to turn around at midnight and start the drive back to Columbia because Monique had a choir concert at 6PM the next day. It was a miserable drive home, because it rained the whole way, but I would still say it was one of my favorite experiences. Despite Mizzou losing, and despite sleeping six hours the whole weekend, it was fun to do something so spontaneous.

A third place I've traveled that was amazing was Myrtle Beach, SC. In the summer of 2008, my parents took my sister, David, and me, and it was so much fun. We went to Hard Rock Park, which was a theme park that has closed down since then. We went to a smaller amusement park that was right by our hotel, we went to the beach a TON, we went to the Ripley's museum, we went to the Ripley's aquarium. One of the days, my sister and I just walked around the town shopping and stuff. It was the only vacation that my family has ever taken together, and it was so much fun to spend time with them all. I wish we could do things like that more often... =(

Last year, in August, David and I went to Sandusky, Ohio to go to Cedar Point. I was beyond excited for this trip, because I LOVE roller coasters, and Cedar Point has like, 17 of them or something. We planned on going to the park two days in a row, because we knew we wouldn't fit it all into one day. The first day was so much fun. We rode as much as we could, and then went back to the hotel exhausted, but excited for the next day. But when I woke up the next morning something wasn't right. I had a POUNDING headache, but I just figured I was still tired. But when we got to the park, I was overcome with intense dizziness and nausea, and we ended up leaving the park early and not riding anything at all that day. Aside from the $75 wasted for the tickets, I was really upset that we didn't get to ride everything that we wanted to. I felt really bad, and I felt like I ruined the trip for David... But as it turns out, this was the beginning of my ordeal with POTS, so I don't feel as bad about getting so sick, since it was something serious. Eventually I hope that I look back on that trip without the negative feelings associated with it, like I have now, but for now, thinking about that trip makes me sad...

I have to get back to studying now, but once my organic chemistry test is over I will find some pictures of each of these trips and add them.

Day 7: favorite movies

I have five movies that always stay at the top of my favorites list. Beyond that, it changes fairly often.

My number one favorite movie is Shawshank Redemption.

The first time I saw this movie I was completely stunned at the ending. I didn't see it coming at all, which is what I assume the writers of the movie wanted. This was the first movie I remember watching that I absolutely fell in love with.

Another movie that kept me totally riveted the whole time was The Usual Suspects.

This movie was written so well. I couldn't believe the ending of this one either. I was really surprised. I guess you can tell at this point that I like for movies to be unpredictable...

There are three comedies that I can watch over and over again without getting tired of them. The first one is Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

I think this is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. I am in love with Jason Segal and I think Russel Brand is hilarious. I like Kristen Bell and Mila Kunis too. Some of the scenes in this movie are so ridiculous and awkward, and that makes them so funny.

Another comedy that I love, which is probably on many people's favorite movies list, is Wedding Crashers.

There are so many quotable phrases from this movie, and Vince Vaughn's comedic timing is fantastic. Plus Bradley Cooper is super hot, even though he plays a huge jackass in this movie.

My third favorite comedy is a movie that literally makes me laugh so hard I cry every single time I watch it. It's Liar Liar.

I'm not usually a huge fan of Jim Carrey, but this movie never ceases to make me hysterical. I really like the physical comedy in this movie, and the way it makes you feel good at the end is nice too.

All five of my favorite movies are pretty common favorites for people to have, I think. I don't really have time to watch movies anymore, especially if they aren't blockbuster hits that are on Netflix or in Redbox. I wish I could venture out more into other genres and time periods, but I am just too busy right now. I am taking this Russian class though, and one of our major topics is film during the Soviet era. Once I graduate I might look into watching some of the Russian or Soviet films suggested by my professor. Maybe...

Day 6: a picture of something that makes me happy

The very first thing I thought of when I read what today's topic is was Sam. He is my cat, and he is almost four years old. This is Sam when he was a kitten:


He was originally David's cat, but when David moved to Columbia his place didn't allow pets so I took him. He has lived with me since 2008. He makes me happy every single time I see him. He's so sweet and fluffy. When I have a bad day, he comes up and rubs on my pant leg and begs to be petted. I just love him! I also love that he puts up with all our ridiculous antics. Like this:

Jessie and Red Riding Sam

He was NOT a happy camper that day. But he just sat there and took it. David and I have trained him not to scratch and bite and scream and kick when he wants to get down. He is pretty pleasant to hold, even if he doesn't want to be held.

I love Sam!

Day 5: a song to match my mood

This one is really hard. I am not in any particular mood right now. Maybe melancholy. I'm kind of sad that I have to work all weekend, seeing as it's Easter weekend and I will be alone. David went to St. Louis to hang out with his family and friends, Jessie is going out tonight with Camron, and Kaitlin is in KC. But once I sit down and think about it, I'm okay with being alone, because I have lots of homework to do. Plus my POTS is pretty bad this weekend, so it's not like if I went out I would have a good time anyway.

But back to this song business. This song isn't quite as extreme as how I am feeling, but it's one of my favorites. It's called Lonely Day by System of a Down. They are one of my favorite bands, and when this song first came out I listened to it nonstop. Here are the lyrics:

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day in my life

Such a lonely day
Should be banned
It's a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
Shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,
I wanna go with you
And if you die,
I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life
The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day
And it's mine
It's a day that I am glad I survived.

It's a pretty simple song, but it has really good harmony in it, even though it's a rock song. A lot of System of a Down's songs are like that.

Day 4: my parents

My parents are pretty fantastic people. They have always been there for me, and they give me every opportunity in life to succeed. I talk to one of them on the phone probably six out of the seven days of the week. We are all really close and I tell them everything.

My mom is one of my best friends. She can get on my nerves, but she is one of the first people I will call when something happens in my life, big or small. She and I are very similar people, so we always have lots to talk about... but I think that's why we fight sometimes too. We're both hard-headed and stubborn, and that sometimes leads to fights. But she is still my go-to person when I need someone to talk to about anything.

I look a lot like her.

My dad cares about me so much. He worries about me a lot, and I know he misses me a lot because I live so far away. He and I don't talk as much as my mom and I do, but I know that if I need help with my car or computer, or if I need to bitch about something that is going on in my life, I can always call him for advice.

This was at my third 21st birthday party. I was very tired and hungover, but it was the only picture I could find of us.

My parents have always known everything about me. When I got my first kiss, my mom was one of the first people to know. They always knew about which boy I had a crush on, and I know I could turn to them for help no matter what I needed. Their love is a pretty good example of unconditional. When I have kids, I hope I do as good a job raising them as my parents have done raising me.

Day 3: my first love

Oh boy. This one is going to be a long one...

I dated a guy named Nick for almost a year. I met him at my friend Scott's senior prom and gave him my number that night. We went on our first date a couple days later and then became a couple shortly after that. This was my first serious relationship, and I was so excited. But right away we started having problems. We fought all the time. I have read back through the journal I kept during the time he and I were together, and after reading it I feel really stupid for not ending the relationship sooner. We started dating in May, and three months later I went off to college. He went, well, no where. His parents hated me, and at certain points in the relationship I wasn't even allowed at their house. I always wanted him to stand up for himself to his parents, but he wouldn't, and that was a major cause of our fighting.

This is Nick and me at my high school graduation. Teenagers are funny.

In March 2006, I found Nick on MySpace and added him as a friend. I found out a bunch of stuff about him that I didn't like; for example, he was writing on other girls' pages about how cute they were and how he wanted to meet them... Super shady stuff. I asked him about it, and we got into a huge fight that left me feeling like our relationship was falling apart. Then, in April, about three weeks before our one year anniversary, he called me, drunk, from the lake. We got into a fight because he didn't want to talk to me and he was hanging out with a whole bunch of girls down there. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me, and he said if I was going to force him to make a decision then no, he didn't. I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. I all but dropped out of school. I quit going to class and doing homework. I even asked all my professors if I could take my finals early so that I could just move home...

Over the next month after our break-up, he did some VERY hurtful things. He would act like he thought he wanted to get back together with me, and then he would call me and say he was hanging out with some other girl. He called me once and invited me over and then called me back like thirty minutes later to tell me nevermind, some girl named Kay was coming over instead. That was the last straw. I really almost lost it that night. It got to the point where his friends were leaving his house that night to come hang out with me, because they felt so bad for me. I will never forget one of his friends in particular, Joe. Even though his girlfriend hated me, he came over and spent the night at my house just so I didn't have to be alone.

The final moment I realized that I couldn't take it anymore was when he came to my house in May to admit to me that he had sex with this girl named Danielle the day after we broke up. He sat there, in my bed, crying like a little bitch, and all I could tell him was to get out of my house. He actually sat on the back porch with my parents, crying for like an hour because I was mad at him. But I was done.

I wrote about Nick not because I think NOW that I was in love with him. But at the time, I definitely did. I didn't realize that I shouldn't have been treated that way. I was only 16 when we met, and I was stupid. When he broke up with me I thought I would NEVER get over it. But here it is, five years almost to the day later, and I don't care about him at all. He never crosses my mind, and I never wonder what he is up to. He and I had lunch in December 2007, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. There were just no feelings there anymore. None.

Does that sound like love? Everyone says people never get over their first love. But I did. So I guess it wasn't love after all...

David came into my life at the exact right time. We had gone to high school together, but he graduated two years before me. I had a major crush on him when I was a sophomore, but after he graduated, I kind of forgot about him. I knew he had gone into the Army, and I heard things from our mutual friends about how he was doing, but I didn't expect to ever see him again. But the day after the fiasco went down with Nick where he invited me over then told me Kay was coming over instead, my friend Jason called me and asked if he and David could come visit me in Columbia the next day. I told him I had already moved back home, so they decided to just stop by that night. I was ecstatic, of course, because I had had such a big crush on David in high school. He and I hit it off right away and stayed up talking until 5 in the morning. This happened the next night as well (my birthday), and the following night he took me on a date. We started spending all of our time together, and I loved it. I was still really hurt by Nick, but I was starting to get over him... Except, I was still talking to him, and David didn't like that at all. He gave me an ultimatum that I had to choose between them, and when I finally stopped talking to Nick for good I was more relieved than anything.

I'm not trying to sit here and say that my relationship with David is perfect. We have been together for almost five years, and it has been filled with lots of ups and downs. We have been through a LOT together, but I feel like we can make it through anything now because of that. I can't even describe how I feel about him. He is my family. His family is my family. I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone... Ok this is getting sappy.

This is David and me at my 21st birthday party.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that my "first love" wasn't my first love at all. It was just the first boyfriend I ever had, and I was young and silly.

Teenagers are funny.

Day 2: meaning of my blog name

Well, there's not much to say here. It's my name. In all lowercase. I kind of just threw it out there when I first created this blog in 2009, and I haven't changed it because I see no reason.

This day was boring.

Day 1: Intro

Hi, I'm Sara. I'm almost 23, and I go to Mizzou. I will be graduating in 26 days with a bachelor's degree in biology. Yay me!



15 interesting facts about me:

1. My best friend and I live together, and even though lots of people said it wouldn't work out, I love it! I love having her around to talk to when I'm upset or to tell about my day. It's like having a sister away from my sister.

2. I just got a new car. I love it! But I'm really nervous about parking it anywhere near any other cars because people in this town don't know how to respect others' property. The first day I parked on campus I parked in the farthest spot from the bus stop. I also made an effort to clean out my tiny tiny garage so I could squeeze my new car into it last night, because my dad told me it might hail. And it didn't. But if it would have my car would have been safe.

3. I have been in college for six years. And as tired of it as I am I am doubly terrified to leave. In college everything is laid out for you. Now I have to decide what to do from here on my own and it is petrifying.

4. I love trashy reality TV. Jersey Shore is far and away my favorite show on TV, and I don't care what anyone else thinks about it. I'm convinced that most people who talk bad about the show have never seen it because if they had they would be hooked, like me.

5. I have a cat named Sam who I love more than most people. He is my baby, and the first time he ever got sick was in February. When I called the vet to ask them whether I should bring him in I started crying really hard and I felt like the lady wasn't going to be able to understand me. He is my baby. When I was a kid we didn't have pets, so I never understood why people got so attached to them. But now I love him like he is my first-born child, and it makes me want to cry to think about him getting old and leaving me.

6. I have something called POTS. It stands for Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. And it sucks. Basically my heart beats too fast when I stand up. That doesn't sound too bad, but it creates a TON of symptoms that I have all the time, not just when I stand up. I first got sick when I was at Cedar Point last August, and the doctors didn't figure out what I had until January of this year. I am on medicine now, but it still really makes my life hard. It's not fatal, but I could have it for the rest of my life, which is really scary to think about...

7. I used to be an extremely confident person. But a lot has changed in my life in the last year and a half, and my self esteem is incredibly low now. When a guy looks at me on campus or something, I assume it's not because he thinks I'm pretty, but because he is laughing at me on the inside... or it's because I have ink on my face or something. There are lots of reasons for this dramatic change in how I think about myself, but no matter why it happened, I hate it. I wish I knew how to fix it.

8. I think that I think about other people's feelings way more than most other people do. I think most people only care about themselves and don't care who they hurt in the process. I wish it weren't like that, and sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. It sets me up for a lot of disappointment because I tend to have really high hopes for people who don't care about me at all.

9. I really like to be in control. Like, a lot. But I have recently learned that I can't always be in control, and sometimes relinquishing control and letting someone else take over isn't going to mean the end of the world. But the thought process isn't automatic. I have to physically say to myself, "Stop it. Let someone else take over. It's not going to kill you." I am ridiculous.

10. I have never been more scared of burglars than I am right now. We found out that some of our neighbors had been robbed, and now every sound I hear outside scares the hell out of me. I kind of wish I had a gun, but that's a lot of responsibility. What if someone broke in and I killed them? I don't know if I could deal with that. So instead I sleep with a hammer next to my bed, and I have since February. My roommate does too.

11. I have very fair skin. I am basically a ghost. I wish I were tan, but my love of a cancer-free life prevails and I stay pretty fair all year round, even in the summer. I have some questionable moles, and I'm not trying to get melanoma.

12. Related to number 11, it really, really irritates me when people say, "Wow, you are so pale!" Like I've never fucking noticed. Or like you're the first person to ever come up with that startling revelation.

13. I am 22, but I look like I'm about 18. It can get pretty embarrassing.

14. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people talk in a quiet computer lab or in the library. I'm not sure who taught people that this was okay behavior, but it makes me furious. If it wouldn't be an even bigger distraction, I would turn around and yell at them. If I had the courage to do that I mean. Which I don't.

15. I am really into history. If there were more jobs in that field than being a teacher or museum curator, I would have majored in history. But I could never teach, and being a museum curator would bore the hell out of me, so I decided to do science instead. Not like I know what I'm going to do with that either...

Well that was fun. I will try really hard to keep up with this 30 day challenge, but I'm making no promises.

yeah, yeah, I just posted...

But then I went and read my friend Sara's blog and found this:

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4:Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you've traveled
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you're afraid of
Day 11: Favorite TV shows
Day 12: Something you can't leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you're looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite place to eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite picture of yourself ALL TIME. Why?
Day 22: What's in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite movies
Day 24: Something you've learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your dream wedding
Day 27: Original photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 wishes
Day 30: A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

I am going to try to stick to this, but it might not happen in this exact fashion. And by that I mean it might take me three months to complete 30 days worth of stuff. But it's whatever.

life update

After I posted last Thursday, I called the bank where I have my car loan, trying to find out how much I still owed on my Grand Am. I thought it was around $2500... turns out it was closer to $4200. This meant that it was going to be way more difficult to make any money on my trade in, which meant that my parents couldn't spend as much on a car for me. When I told my mom how much I still owed, she freaked out. She basically told me I had to get something small, like a Ford Focus, because they couldn't afford anything else. I wanted to try and negotiate with the dealers on the price issue, but she basically said it was a Focus or nothing. It got pretty heated, and I was really upset. I finally talked to my dad, and he calmed her down and they decided that we would still look at all the cars I wanted to look at and try to do some negotiating.

My parents got into town Friday night, and at 8:30 on Saturday morning we met for breakfast. We got to the first dealer, the Honda dealer, at about 9:30. We didn't even leave there until around 11, but we had managed to talk them down to our price range, which I thought was amazing. Especially for such a good car. But when I drove it on the highway, I wasn't super excited about the way it handled... I didn't say anything though, thinking it was just the wind...

The next place we went was the Nissan dealer. I test-drove one car, but I wasn't excited about the color. But when I drove two others, I didn't like the way they drove as well as the first one. So we negotiated with them about the price, and we also talked them down to our price range. I was getting very confused and frustrated though, because I could NOT decide between the two. I didn't like the way the Honda handled on the highway, and I thought the Nissan's seats were really uncomfortable. I was having a really really hard time trying to make a decision. I really thought I was going to freak out. Plus it was already like 2:30, and dealerships close at 6 on Saturdays. Finally we decided to just go to the Mazda dealer, and if I didn't like that one any better I was going to have to choose between the Honda and the Nissan.

At the Mazda dealer, I test-drove a higher model than the base model, since my parents get the employee discount. It had lots of cool features, but it was black. It turned out that they didn't have any other colors that had ALL the features this one had, so I had to stick with the black one. I finally decided that I liked that one better than the Honda and the Nissan, and I was so excited I had finally made a decision. But then the salesman quoted us a price that was way out of our price range. It took us a really long time to talk them down to something we could afford, and I was scared it wasn't going to happen at all. I just wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't, and they ended up doing what we wanted. So now I am the proud new owner of a black Mazda6! I love it. It has bluetooth (which I didn't care at all about, but my mom wanted me to have it... and now I love it); it has a sunroof (which was the thing that all the other colors didn't have); it has power seats (which my last car didn't have and I really wanted)... It's just really cool.

My parents said I did a good job negotiating with the salesmen at the dealerships. They seemed surprised. I am glad they think that, but it makes me feel like they don't have a whole lot of faith in me as a functioning adult. I feel like they think I'm a child who is still dependent on them for everything...

I love my car a lot. And I am really appreciative of what they did for me, because I would definitely not have been able to afford this on my own... but I can't stop thinking about how my parents have bought literally everything nice that I own. All the expensive clothes I have I got as Christmas gifts. My parents bought my iPhone. They bought my car... It's a really hard thing to admit to myself. Yesterday at work, this girl Haley asked me how I can afford my car, and I was almost embarrassed to tell her that my parents bought it for me... not because I don't like it, but because I feel like it makes me look like I'm not independent. And I know that they bought it for me so I CAN be independent and pay for my own things in the coming months, but it's still hard to know that I don't have nice things because of my own accomplishments... I guess I will get there some day... Just not today...

On another note, I hate having POTS. Like, a lot. I FINALLY feel better because of the medicine I take every day, but I still get really tired, and I still can't go out and drink. Aside from the fact that alcohol makes me feel like I'm dying, just being in the bar scene makes me crazy anxious. A few months ago I went to Piano Bar with Jessie and David and I thought I was going to be sick the whole time we were there. I know that anxiety-like symptoms are part of POTS, plus I'm just nervous that I'm going to have extreme symptoms while I'm in public, also causing anxiety... It's really hard to explain, and people who don't have POTS or anxiety at all don't understand. Especially my mom. All she says is, "just stop being so anxious." Like I can help it. Obviously I would have gotten over my anxiety some time in the last EIGHT YEARS if I could just stop being so anxious. I just try not to talk about it because no one understands, except Kaitlin, because her roommate has POTS too. But I still don't like talking about it, because no one can see my symptoms, so I think they don't really know whether I'm faking it, or over-exaggerating things...

On top of everything with my health, I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I will be graduating in less than one month, and I have NO idea what I'm going to be doing with myself. I hate my job way too much to keep working there. But I don't want to go get a job in a laboratory somewhere because I know that's not what I want to do. If I work at a restaurant while I try to figure out what I want to do, I can just quit whenever I want... But a real job isn't expendable like that, and I can't just up and quit one day because I found something better. Just thinking about what I'm going to do after graduation makes me want to cry hysterically because I feel like a huge loser. I'm not going to grad school, I'm not going to medical school, I have no job lined up... And I know EVERYONE at my graduation party is going to ask me what I'm going to do... I already have people asking me if I have a job lined up. And I can joke around about it all I want, but it's really going to suck to have to tell 100 people at my party that I am going no where with my life...

I just wish I had something to look forward to. Everyone in my capstone class is talking about graduation... this one girl, Alisha, is sooo excited to graduate. She said it's the only thing she can think about. But I'm not looking forward to it, because things are so unclear after that. When I graduated high school, I knew exactly what I was going to do -- I was going to go to college. But now... I'm just not sure. And I hate it. I just wish I knew what kind of career I wanted to have. Then I could make decisions that would help me accomplish that goal... But I just don't know.

Another thing... I miss David. He has a really heavy load at school this semester, and he is always studying and working with groups on projects for his classes. I feel like we never see each other anymore. Part of that is the fact that I want to spend time with Jessie too, so sometimes I have to choose her over him. I feel like he and I have a long distance relationship going on; we really only see each other on the weekends. I hate it. I feel really lonely a lot of the time, especially when Jessie is at work, or going out with friends. (Because I can't drink I don't get invited out anymore...) I wish David were graduating too so we could have more time together...

Anyway, I'm done bitching now. I'm off to bed, because I have nothing better to do.

I can't even handle this right now...

I am having a mini-meltdown. I am so stressed out with everything that is going on. Even the things that are supposed to be fun are turning into a nightmare.

First of all, I absolutely hate my new job. Like, a lot. Today is day 7 of the 8 days in a row that I was scheduled, and just knowing that I have to go in and work at 5:30 tonight ruins the rest of my day. I think about all the things I need to get done during the day, and then I realize as soon as I get THOSE things done, I have to go to work at a job that I hate.

Second, I am trying to help my mom plan my graduation party and it is turning into a lot of work. I sent out the announcements/invitations about three weeks ago, and I have only received two responses. I can't believe how rude some people are. If I ask for an RSVP, it means that I would like an RSVP. How am I supposed to know how much food to get?? Plus, my mom asked me to compile a list of all the people I invited, but the event on facebook is always unavailable due to maintenance or whatever, so I can't see the list. It's frustrating.

Third, Sam has been sick three times in the last two months. I feel so bad for him, and I hate that he feels miserable all the time. I wish I knew what was making him sick, but all they keep telling me is stress. Well, I can't make Cooper disappear, so he just needs to get over it. I really thought he would get used to the idea of having a dog, but I guess not...

Fourth, and most stressful, is the fact that I'm trying to pick out a new car. My parents have decided that they're going to buy me a new car for graduation, which is awesome. But now I have to deal with the task of picking one out, and this is way harder than it sounds. I have narrowed it down to four choices, and last night I asked people for their opinions on my facebook of the four options. Well, it ended up turning into this big political discussion about how I should buy a domestic car, and how I was un-American and not supporting our troops for considering a Honda or Nissan. It got so bad that I ended up deleting the status altogether because I couldn't handle all the offensive comments. I don't care AT ALL what people think about my choice for a car -- I just wanted to know if anyone had had any experience with any of the cars.

Also, my mom is making this process not very enjoyable at all. I have done all kinds of research about the cars that I am interested in, but she keeps making me feel like I'm an idiot. She hasn't given me a price range, but she keeps telling me to pay attention to how much each car costs. I am just feeling so much pressure from everyone about what to do here... It's getting to the point where I don't even care anymore.

Anyway, I will write more later, but I have a ton of stuff to do today... =(