Oh goals. I have never been very good at accomplishing big goals in my life. When I graduated high school I thought I would be two years into law school by now. Oops. Instead I am struggling to graduate with a 3.0 GPA with my undergrad in biology.
Actually, the lack of accomplishing my goals in life has been one factor leading to my low self-esteem, I think. I never really do what I set out to do, and it frustrates and embarrasses me. I read an article today about procrastination, and about how, if I just did the tasks I need to get done in a timely manner, I would realize that they aren't as bad as they seem, and I would get them finished before the dead line makes me crazy... But I don't do that. And that is part of the reason I rarely accomplish my goals. I am kind of an unmotivated person, in general, mainly because I don't really know what I want out of life. And that's hard. It's a vicious cycle; I am unmotivated because I don't know what I want to do, but because I don't accomplish anything it lowers my self-esteem and depresses me, which leads to a further lack of motivation.
Having said all that, I do have things I would like to accomplish in my life. I want to have a job where I help people. That's really important to me, but aside from being a doctor I'm not sure how I could use my biology degree to do that. I think I would like to go to a career counselor to see what my options are, but I keep putting it off. Because that's what I do.
Another goal I have is to earn enough money to support myself comfortably some time in the (extremely) near future. Minimum wage at a job I hate just isn't cutting it, but I'm not sure where to go from here. I need something for now that will more than pay the bills (or pay them at all...), but I don't want to go out and get a "big kid job" because I don't know what I want to do as a career. "Big kid jobs" aren't as disposable as restaurant or retail jobs, and I'm scared that if I got a "big kid job" I would hate it, or I would figure out what I really wanted to do but then I couldn't leave that job because it would look bad on a resume that I quit a "big kid job" after a month. It's a lot to wrap my brain around, and no one seems to understand the feelings that I have about it. It's sort of frustrating...
A goal that many women have, which is having babies and getting married, seems very distant to me. I suppose one day I might like those things (might being the key word), but they are both very big commitments that scare me right now. Maybe in the future those two things will be closer to the top of my list of goals, but for right now they are pretty low priorities.
Right now my biggest goal is to finish college with as close to a 3.0 GPA as I can get, and celebrate with my friends and family. I am having a hard time looking past the next two weeks because I'm so busy, so if I accomplish this task I will be happy.
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