I have been taking Lexapro for a few months now, and I still feel sad. Sorry to just burst out with it like that, but there it is. I have a pounding headache and I'm not trying to sugar coat things... Anyway, I started taking Lexapro and within a month or so I could tell it was making a difference. I was happier, I felt like things didn't bother me as much, my anxiety wasn't as bad. And for the most part now, my anxiety is still pretty under control. But I still feel so sad all the time. I feel like my life is going no where, like I'm not working toward anything. I don't have any goals. Everyone keeps asking me when David and I are going to get married, and I'm almost embarrassed when I think of how I really want to answer the question. I say, "oh, he's still got three years of school left, there is no way we'll get married during that," but what I mean is, "that isn't one of my goals in life, sorry 'bout that." Not that I don't want to be with him, marriage just isn't one of those things I look forward to like other girls. Same with having children - it's just not one of my goals in life. Without those two things, I feel directionless. In high school I worked toward college; in college I worked toward my degree; after college I worked toward getting a job. Now that I have a job, I don't have anything to work toward. I love my position in the company - I don't want to advance just yet because I don't want to change anything about what I'm doing. I just feel lost...
I also feel lonely. David is in school, and even if he weren't, I shouldn't put all my eggs in that basket to prevent myself from feeling so lonely. Jessie and I don't live together anymore, so I don't have a built-in friend living in my house. Amy moved up here, but she has school, and we aren't really interested in doing the same things. I just don't really feel like I have any friends. My whole life I've always had at least one girl friend who I did everything with - Allyssa, Lauren, Monique, Jenn, Jessie... and now I don't have anyone. Sure, I'm still friends with all those girls, but I miss having someone to be inseparable with. It's frustrating, and it makes me feel bad about myself. I feel like all the girls in my life already have a best friend and don't have any space for me... How lame do I sound?
Even if I found someone to hang out with, I end up choosing to hang out with David instead. I feel bad going out when he doesn't have anything to do, and quite frankly, I feel like I get a bit interrogated when I get home from doing something with someone else. He doesn't flat out ask if I did anything wrong, but he asks a zillion questions about who I was with and where I was... and then he repeats the questions, like he is trying to catch me in something. It becomes overwhelming, so I just don't go out with anyone to prevent from having to answer his third degree questions. That sounds bad; it could all be in my head, and it very well may be. I don't know. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive.
Anyway, my head is pounding, so I'll stop here.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
My New Job - and other random things
I started my new job on January 4. Rather, I started clocking in at VUHL (rather than with the temp service) on January 4, but I didn't go to orientation until the following Wednesday because I had to train my replacement as the team assistant. I have been a processor trainee for nearly a month and I have learned so much. But the biggest thing I have learned is to accept change. Things change at Veterans United on a daily basis, and learning to roll with the punches is a must. If I didn't do this, I would be a miserable wreck. Having faith that the leaders of the company know what they're doing when implementing all these changes is a big help too.
In other news, MU beat KU last Saturday night in what might very well be the last home basketball game they ever play against one another. It was an amazing game, and to top it off I got to spend the night watching it with my parents at a little bar in Cuba. It was a really good time.
About a month or so ago, maybe a little longer, I started feeling a lot better. I was less dizzy, less anxious, more able to go out and do things. But this past week or so has been terrible. I have been extremely dizzy, I've been getting headaches, I've been feeling nauseated... It's frustrating because I thought I was starting to get better. I have a follow-up appointment with my GP on Monday, and I was going to cancel it, but now I'm rethinking that. I don't know if I'm feeling worse because of all the ridiculous changes in the weather, or because I stopped taking birth control pills, or because I've had a cold... whatever it is I don't like it. I hope it gets better soon.
I just remembered something important - I decided not to apply to law school. I made this choice for a few reasons. 1) Most importantly, I got the job at VUHL. It pays really, really well and I enjoy it. I don't want to have to quit working there to go back to school. 2) My LSAT score was very average. It was in the 77th percentile. My GPA was also very average. I didn't want to put in a ton of effort (and not to mention pay a lot of money to apply) just to get rejected. 3) By the time I found out my LSAT score, I only had a week and a half left to apply. I had forgotten all about the fact that I needed recommendation letters and that I had to write a statement. This also happened to be the week I was starting my new job. I was just under a lot of stress and decided it wasn't worth it... This all makes it sound like I copped out - in fact, that wasn't what I did at all. I have heard from several people that if you're not 100% sure you want to go to law school, you shouldn't. Well I definitely wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do, and law school is an expensive mistake to make. If I decide later on that it is for me, I will apply then. I have also heard that people who take time off to work before going back to law school actually do better than if they had gone right out of college. My point is that my options are still very much open.
My sister is thinking of going to Columbia College here in town next year and she and my parents are coming up here to look at the school and potential places to live next weekend. It might be kind of nice to have my sister here in town, because then I will have someone to hang out with me when all my friends are out getting wasted and I can't go! Or when David is at the library until crazy hours of the night leaving me here to watch Jersey Shore all night by myself.
I really like some of the people in my training "class" at work. Most of them started the week before me (the week I technically should have started), and I am getting to know some of them pretty well. It makes going to work even better to know that I actually have friends there. And we have to carpool to our new office building from our old office building each morning, so that's time away from our desks to just chit-chat and get to know each other. I like it... it's nice. =)
In other news, MU beat KU last Saturday night in what might very well be the last home basketball game they ever play against one another. It was an amazing game, and to top it off I got to spend the night watching it with my parents at a little bar in Cuba. It was a really good time.
About a month or so ago, maybe a little longer, I started feeling a lot better. I was less dizzy, less anxious, more able to go out and do things. But this past week or so has been terrible. I have been extremely dizzy, I've been getting headaches, I've been feeling nauseated... It's frustrating because I thought I was starting to get better. I have a follow-up appointment with my GP on Monday, and I was going to cancel it, but now I'm rethinking that. I don't know if I'm feeling worse because of all the ridiculous changes in the weather, or because I stopped taking birth control pills, or because I've had a cold... whatever it is I don't like it. I hope it gets better soon.
I just remembered something important - I decided not to apply to law school. I made this choice for a few reasons. 1) Most importantly, I got the job at VUHL. It pays really, really well and I enjoy it. I don't want to have to quit working there to go back to school. 2) My LSAT score was very average. It was in the 77th percentile. My GPA was also very average. I didn't want to put in a ton of effort (and not to mention pay a lot of money to apply) just to get rejected. 3) By the time I found out my LSAT score, I only had a week and a half left to apply. I had forgotten all about the fact that I needed recommendation letters and that I had to write a statement. This also happened to be the week I was starting my new job. I was just under a lot of stress and decided it wasn't worth it... This all makes it sound like I copped out - in fact, that wasn't what I did at all. I have heard from several people that if you're not 100% sure you want to go to law school, you shouldn't. Well I definitely wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do, and law school is an expensive mistake to make. If I decide later on that it is for me, I will apply then. I have also heard that people who take time off to work before going back to law school actually do better than if they had gone right out of college. My point is that my options are still very much open.
My sister is thinking of going to Columbia College here in town next year and she and my parents are coming up here to look at the school and potential places to live next weekend. It might be kind of nice to have my sister here in town, because then I will have someone to hang out with me when all my friends are out getting wasted and I can't go! Or when David is at the library until crazy hours of the night leaving me here to watch Jersey Shore all night by myself.
I really like some of the people in my training "class" at work. Most of them started the week before me (the week I technically should have started), and I am getting to know some of them pretty well. It makes going to work even better to know that I actually have friends there. And we have to carpool to our new office building from our old office building each morning, so that's time away from our desks to just chit-chat and get to know each other. I like it... it's nice. =)
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