I am going to see a GI dr. on Tuesday. I am terrified. Mostly because I know there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to give a stool sample on command. Half the time I can't go if I know David is close enough he might hear me. How am I supposed to go when there's a fleet of doctors and nurses waiting outside the door who all know what I'm in there doing?? As if that isn't embarrassing enough, a co-worker mentioned that I might be able to bring them a stool sample, rather than give one there... cool. I live two hours away. So I'll be driving down the highway, get pulled over, and when the officer says, "ma'am what's in that bag?" I'll be all, "Nothing officer," and then I'll get arrested... Well, it may not go exactly like that. But it's still humiliating. However, I really want to know what is wrong with me, so the more things I can rule out the better.
I was driving home from St. Louis Thursday night, and suddenly I got double vision worse than I've ever had before. It was terrifying. It was worst when I looked at the lines on the side of the road... okay, tell me nothing is wrong... come on. That's not okay. Now I'm scared to drive at night at all, because I don't want to wreck and die when I don't know which set of taillights I'm looking at actually belong to the car in front of me and which are a figment of my imagination.
My job situation isn't exactly going according to plan either. I figured out a couple weeks ago that my position is typically seasonal. As in, when the busy season is over, they don't need assistants anymore. I started panicking, thinking about how I needed to polish my resume and apply for a position within the company, but then something horrible happened to a fellow temp: they told her, after weeks of training, that she had the job as a processor, but then HR called her and told her the had decided not to bring her on. But since her previous position as an assistant had been filled, she was jobless. I'm terrified now that the same will happen to me, and I can't bear to think about it. I don't know what to do now... I don't know whether I should stay where I am and hope the busy season is longer than they expect (which appears to be the case, as of right now) or apply for a job and constantly stress about whether the training I'm going through is going to lead anywhere... I don't know who to trust there, aside from a handful of the processors I work with, but they can't really help me much past putting in a good word for me. Also, I'm not 100% sure I even want to be a processor for the company - one of the guys I work with was there until at least 1:30 the other night. And staying until 10 or later seems to be the norm for many of them. I don't think I am cut out for that, considering all the health issues I am dealing with... which, of course, begs the question: am I cut out to be a lawyer? The hours aren't going to be much better there. I like the idea of a 40-hour-per-week job that I can leave at 5pm every day and not worry about for the rest of the day. But I'm afraid jobs like that won't have any opportunities for advancement. David always says that when people start out their careers they work way more than 40 hours a week. I wish my health would allow me to do that...
This whole situation is so stressful. I like my job just the way it is right now. I don't want things to change, and I don't want to have to make a decision about what to do next. And don't even get me started on whether or not I should go to law school. One of the guys at work is always telling me I need to do something more with myself than be an assistant. He thinks I have potential or whatever, I get it... but he doesn't know anything about me past the fact that I'm a hard worker and a fast learner - is that enough? Am I cut out to be a lawyer? Am I cut out for all the hard work that goes into it? I have no idea.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Medical Updates
I've seen three doctors since my trip to the hospital a couple weeks ago, two of which I'd never seen before. I have gotten many different ideas about what might be wrong with me, and it has caused my thoughts about my health to be a huge mess...
The first doctor I saw after being in the hospital was my neuro. She took my off the gabapentin and told me to start taking Valium in a few weeks, after all the gabapentin is out of my system (so I know what is making me feel better or worse). She said that if the Valium helps it's most likely a vestibular problem. I am kind of scared I'm going to be a zombie if I take it, but if it helps I guess I don't really care.
The next doctor I saw was a colleague of my primary doctor here in Columbia. My own doctor is out until January on maternity leave, so I saw this guy to follow up on the heart monitor I wore after going to the hospital. He said the monitor looked fine, and he agreed that the Valium is a logical next step. He did try to tell me all about the power of positive thinking and such, and that kind of bothered me because it made me feel like he had some doubts about how bad I actually feel. But relatively speaking, he was all right, and I didn't hate him...
Today I saw a new cardio, the doctor Allyssa and her grandma both see. The first thing they did was an Echo, which is one of the few things I've never had done. They also did an ekg, which I've had several of. Then the doctor came in, and the first thing he did was tell me that my Echo was abnormal. Basically one of the valves in my heart "buckles" (as he put it) during some heart beats. He said that being extremely hydrated will be helpful in preventing this from happening, so I told him about how, even when I've been drinking fluids, my body acts like it's dehydrated. Then he thought something might be wrong with my GI tract or my kidneys, and things aren't getting absorbed like they should be. This is what I have been saying for a few months now, so it feels good that he's on track with that. He referred me to a kidney specialist and a GI specialist for further testing.
I'm kind of scared about this heart thing though... He made it sound like this could potentially cause problems or even early death later in my life, and that terrifies me. I don't exactly want to have open heart surgery to fix it, if that's even possible, but I don't want it to get worse and cause me to need a transplant, or even kill me. It's really scary to think about...
When I found out that I need to see all these specialists, I got really scared about my job... I have already missed a morning, two afternoons, and part of another day because of my health, and I'm worried that since I'm only a temp they will get sick of all this and just fire me. But I talked to my boss today after I got back to the office, and she reassured me that that isn't the case. It made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. It also reminds me that they like me and value my work, which makes me feel important.
After I left the doctor's office and started back to Columbia, I called my mom to tell her about the appointment. She was not supportive at all. She told me that she thinks the doctors just keep passing me along because they know I have good insurance and will be able to pay for it. She just kept asking why I can't see specialists here in town rather than St. Louis because she thinks I'm going to lose my job. Even when I told her something actually IS wrong with my heart she didn't sound upset or worried. It still sounds like she thinks I'm faking all this or something. Or like I'm overreacting or being over-dramatic. It's just so frustrating to not have the support of the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. I don't know what I would do without David, because he is the only one who fully supports me and is always there for me...
It's nice to finally have some definitive evidence that I'm not crazy, but it's really scary at the same time. I hope this is something that can be fixed, if not reversed... Also, I'm confused about what the news I received today will do about the whole Valium/vestibular situation... Should I go ahead and start the Valium? I probably should have asked my cardio today, but I was really overwhelmed and couldn't really think of a whole lot of questions. Maybe I should call my neuro and ask her, but my past experience has told me that calling a doctor really isn't going to get me anywhere... Of course, these doctors might be different, and I might have a completely different experience when trying to get a hold of them outside of appointments, but you can't blame me for being cautious... I just wish I had one doctor who could take care of everything rather than several doctors all giving me different advice. I guess I really do have "too many chefs in the kitchen", as that neuroophthalmologist so eloquently put it... But narrowing it down to just two (and a primary) is better, right? I just want someone to fix me.
On a different topic, I started studying for the LSAT last week. It is going to be really hard. Also, I haven't told anyone this yet, but I'm starting to have second thoughts about going to law school altogether. I don't know if that's because I'm scared to do poorly on the LSAT, or if it's because I'm scared I will be so sick I won't be able to do it, or if it's really not what I want to do, but this is an expensive mistake to make. And a huge waste of time if I decide not to pursue it. I wish someone could just tell me what I'd be best at... I just thought of another reason I might be having doubts about law school, and the more I think about it the more I think this might be the real reason: I really really like my job. But to start law school I'm going to have to quit that job, because I won't be able to go to school full time and work there full time as well, especially considering the law program is a full time day program. I am really starting to think this job could become permanent, and I'm scared that I'm going to have to quit something I really like right after I begin. It's a lot to think about, and thinking about it causes me a lot of stress. This whole situation is just so bittersweet; I want a permanent job there, but I don't want to have to quit it. However, I do want to continue my education, considering I don't want to do anything in the field I have my degree in. Making these kinds of life decisions is so nerve-wracking!
The first doctor I saw after being in the hospital was my neuro. She took my off the gabapentin and told me to start taking Valium in a few weeks, after all the gabapentin is out of my system (so I know what is making me feel better or worse). She said that if the Valium helps it's most likely a vestibular problem. I am kind of scared I'm going to be a zombie if I take it, but if it helps I guess I don't really care.
The next doctor I saw was a colleague of my primary doctor here in Columbia. My own doctor is out until January on maternity leave, so I saw this guy to follow up on the heart monitor I wore after going to the hospital. He said the monitor looked fine, and he agreed that the Valium is a logical next step. He did try to tell me all about the power of positive thinking and such, and that kind of bothered me because it made me feel like he had some doubts about how bad I actually feel. But relatively speaking, he was all right, and I didn't hate him...
Today I saw a new cardio, the doctor Allyssa and her grandma both see. The first thing they did was an Echo, which is one of the few things I've never had done. They also did an ekg, which I've had several of. Then the doctor came in, and the first thing he did was tell me that my Echo was abnormal. Basically one of the valves in my heart "buckles" (as he put it) during some heart beats. He said that being extremely hydrated will be helpful in preventing this from happening, so I told him about how, even when I've been drinking fluids, my body acts like it's dehydrated. Then he thought something might be wrong with my GI tract or my kidneys, and things aren't getting absorbed like they should be. This is what I have been saying for a few months now, so it feels good that he's on track with that. He referred me to a kidney specialist and a GI specialist for further testing.
I'm kind of scared about this heart thing though... He made it sound like this could potentially cause problems or even early death later in my life, and that terrifies me. I don't exactly want to have open heart surgery to fix it, if that's even possible, but I don't want it to get worse and cause me to need a transplant, or even kill me. It's really scary to think about...
When I found out that I need to see all these specialists, I got really scared about my job... I have already missed a morning, two afternoons, and part of another day because of my health, and I'm worried that since I'm only a temp they will get sick of all this and just fire me. But I talked to my boss today after I got back to the office, and she reassured me that that isn't the case. It made me feel a lot better about the whole thing. It also reminds me that they like me and value my work, which makes me feel important.
After I left the doctor's office and started back to Columbia, I called my mom to tell her about the appointment. She was not supportive at all. She told me that she thinks the doctors just keep passing me along because they know I have good insurance and will be able to pay for it. She just kept asking why I can't see specialists here in town rather than St. Louis because she thinks I'm going to lose my job. Even when I told her something actually IS wrong with my heart she didn't sound upset or worried. It still sounds like she thinks I'm faking all this or something. Or like I'm overreacting or being over-dramatic. It's just so frustrating to not have the support of the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally. I don't know what I would do without David, because he is the only one who fully supports me and is always there for me...
It's nice to finally have some definitive evidence that I'm not crazy, but it's really scary at the same time. I hope this is something that can be fixed, if not reversed... Also, I'm confused about what the news I received today will do about the whole Valium/vestibular situation... Should I go ahead and start the Valium? I probably should have asked my cardio today, but I was really overwhelmed and couldn't really think of a whole lot of questions. Maybe I should call my neuro and ask her, but my past experience has told me that calling a doctor really isn't going to get me anywhere... Of course, these doctors might be different, and I might have a completely different experience when trying to get a hold of them outside of appointments, but you can't blame me for being cautious... I just wish I had one doctor who could take care of everything rather than several doctors all giving me different advice. I guess I really do have "too many chefs in the kitchen", as that neuroophthalmologist so eloquently put it... But narrowing it down to just two (and a primary) is better, right? I just want someone to fix me.
On a different topic, I started studying for the LSAT last week. It is going to be really hard. Also, I haven't told anyone this yet, but I'm starting to have second thoughts about going to law school altogether. I don't know if that's because I'm scared to do poorly on the LSAT, or if it's because I'm scared I will be so sick I won't be able to do it, or if it's really not what I want to do, but this is an expensive mistake to make. And a huge waste of time if I decide not to pursue it. I wish someone could just tell me what I'd be best at... I just thought of another reason I might be having doubts about law school, and the more I think about it the more I think this might be the real reason: I really really like my job. But to start law school I'm going to have to quit that job, because I won't be able to go to school full time and work there full time as well, especially considering the law program is a full time day program. I am really starting to think this job could become permanent, and I'm scared that I'm going to have to quit something I really like right after I begin. It's a lot to think about, and thinking about it causes me a lot of stress. This whole situation is just so bittersweet; I want a permanent job there, but I don't want to have to quit it. However, I do want to continue my education, considering I don't want to do anything in the field I have my degree in. Making these kinds of life decisions is so nerve-wracking!
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