my thoughts don't make sense sometimes

I haven't been this depressed in a long time. Or maybe I'm not depressed. I feel more defeated than sad. Like I should just give up on trying because nothing I do is ever going to be good enough.

I can't get myself together. I have no motivation to do anything that I need to do. I have a to-do list. Some things stay on that list for a month before I finally force myself to do them. Not because they're hard. But because they require energy. Or thought. Or me to get up off the couch. I feel so bad about myself because I never get anything accomplished. It's a vicious cycle. The less I do, the worse I feel about myself, so the less motivated I am to get up and do anything.

Jessie is always gone. If she's not at work, she is out partying. I am unbelievably lonely a lot of the time. She and I used to spend many nights a week together, watching our shows or just hanging out and talking. And now she goes out literally every night. And I can't go, because just the thought of being around all those people in a bar or a house party makes my head spin. So I sit here alone, scared to say anything to her because I know it's not going to matter and it's just going to make things awkward between us. Why doesn't she want to hang out at home with me? Probably the same reason David doesn't -- because it's boring. I'm boring. I feel like life is passing me by because all I want to do is sit in my bed. Or on the couch. But mostly my bed.

I had so much more I was going to write. But my incredible anxiety is keeping me from having focused thoughts... So I guess I will have to write more later.