So I was sitting at my desk at work today, and all of a sudden I felt like I was dying. I got really hot, nauseous, and dizzy and my heart started acting all erratic. My coworkers noticed, and one of them convinced me I should go to the hospital. She drove me to University Hospital where I had an ekg done while she was there with me. David came up there and she left, and then they did a chest x-ray (one of the few things I haven't already had done...) and then they tried to draw blood. I say "tried" because this process took 45 minutes, and they had to stick me 7 or 8 times. My arms are all kinds of torn up, and I already have huge bruises forming from where they had to dig around in my arm trying to find a vein. It actually took three different people to get any blood out of my arm at all. They were actually talking about bringing someone in from pediatrics to do it because my veins are so small. All of that and (SURPRISE, SURPRISE) they found nothing wrong. My blood and urine work were all fine, my x-ray was fine... After being there for four hours they gave me an IV and discharged me. This time, however, they gave me a 24-hour monitor to wear, so hopefully it will show SOMETHING and that will give me a new direction to go in. Or it won't show anything, and I will finally know nothing is wrong with my heart and I will try to force myself to eliminate that as a possibility in my mind.
All of this is made even more frustrating by the fact that this all happened while I was at work. Not only did I have to leave work early, so my hours for the week won't be what I was depending on for rent money, but I embarrassed myself in front of my boss and now I'm scared she is going to think I'm sickly or something... which I am, but she didn't need to know that. I feel like she is going to be constantly worrying now whether I'm going to be able to work or not, and I hate that. I feel like, unless I'm keeled over on the floor of the office, I'm never going to leave work again due to my illness because I don't want to let my boss and coworkers down. As it is, I have to leave early on Friday to drive to St. Louis for a doctor appointment...
Speaking of doctors, my cardio (the one that never called me back when I tried to make an appointment a few weeks ago) mailed a letter to my parents' house saying she left her practice at the hospital she was at and is now at a new one. I guess that's why the receptionist at her old office was so cryptic about why she couldn't make an appointment for me, but it was still weird. Either way, I don't want to see her anymore, because to me it's not okay to just completely disregard your (possibly critical) patients like that. I would like to find a doctor here in town so I don't always have to drive to St. Louis when I feel crappy.
Well anyway, the Rangers just tied up Game 5 of the World Series, so I need to start paying attention to that... GO CARDS!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
big life decisions
I LOVE my new job. The people I work with keep telling me how well I'm doing, and it's very rewarding to be able to help the people I'm working with accomplish their goals. Last week was awesome: on Monday, Arris' catered lunch; on Wednesday I was voted MVP of my team and got a gift card for target, and a really nice email from one of the processors and my boss was sent to everyone on my team; on Thursday my boss took us all out to El Maguey for lunch and once again told me I was doing really well; and on Friday the people my team works for bought us all Jimmy John's. Not to mention the fact that we get free vending machine snacks, fresh fruit, juice, fountain soda, and coffee whenever we want. It's amazing. I love it. And I really seem to have a natural knack for it. I was only trained for one day while everyone else in my position gets trained for five days or more.
However, I am a little scared... The position I am in is only temporary. I am not worried about them not offering me a permanent position... I'm actually worried that they will. The position above mine is loan processor. The pay increase to become a loan processor is nearly double what I'm making now, which would be fantastic. But the people I work for now put in SO MANY HOURS each week, and I'm scared I won't be able to hack it. Also, because I want to go to law school next August I'm scared they're going to offer me a permanent position and I will have to quit a few months into it. I'm afraid I will be taking the position away from someone who has the drive and desire to be in the position long-term. But I'm also scared that if I don't take the permanent position they offer me, they will take my temporary position away from me and I will be left with nothing.
It's all really stressful to think about, but it's all compounded by the fact I'm freaking out about law school now too. David keeps telling me how the job market for lawyers is awful. Bob told me that you're not ALLOWED to work during your first year of college (which I take with a whole shaker of salt), and if that's true I better take the permanent processor position just to save up some money. A girl I work with at vamc did one year of law school and she said that sometimes you put in 15 hour days and that it's pretty hard (which I expected), and that makes me scared that I won't be able to work even if I'm "allowed" to because my grades will suffer. Another HUGE thing I can't stop thinking about is how I'm going to be stuck in Columbia for the next three and a half years. I am only applying at MU Law School because David is planning on staying here for graduate school and I'm not trying to do the long distance thing again. By the time I'm done I will be 27, and everyone else in my life aside from David will have long since moved on from this town. I feel like my life is passing me by; I feel like the rest of the world is moving on and I'm stuck in some kind of time warp or something.
I just hate making these huge life decisions. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to detour any more than I already have. I don't believe any decision is permanent, but I'm not trying to waste any more of my time. I just want to make the right decisions.
However, I am a little scared... The position I am in is only temporary. I am not worried about them not offering me a permanent position... I'm actually worried that they will. The position above mine is loan processor. The pay increase to become a loan processor is nearly double what I'm making now, which would be fantastic. But the people I work for now put in SO MANY HOURS each week, and I'm scared I won't be able to hack it. Also, because I want to go to law school next August I'm scared they're going to offer me a permanent position and I will have to quit a few months into it. I'm afraid I will be taking the position away from someone who has the drive and desire to be in the position long-term. But I'm also scared that if I don't take the permanent position they offer me, they will take my temporary position away from me and I will be left with nothing.
It's all really stressful to think about, but it's all compounded by the fact I'm freaking out about law school now too. David keeps telling me how the job market for lawyers is awful. Bob told me that you're not ALLOWED to work during your first year of college (which I take with a whole shaker of salt), and if that's true I better take the permanent processor position just to save up some money. A girl I work with at vamc did one year of law school and she said that sometimes you put in 15 hour days and that it's pretty hard (which I expected), and that makes me scared that I won't be able to work even if I'm "allowed" to because my grades will suffer. Another HUGE thing I can't stop thinking about is how I'm going to be stuck in Columbia for the next three and a half years. I am only applying at MU Law School because David is planning on staying here for graduate school and I'm not trying to do the long distance thing again. By the time I'm done I will be 27, and everyone else in my life aside from David will have long since moved on from this town. I feel like my life is passing me by; I feel like the rest of the world is moving on and I'm stuck in some kind of time warp or something.
I just hate making these huge life decisions. I'm not getting any younger, and I don't want to detour any more than I already have. I don't believe any decision is permanent, but I'm not trying to waste any more of my time. I just want to make the right decisions.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My new job
I started my new job on Monday, and so far it has been all right. I like that I will be getting a steady (and larger) paycheck each week, and the stuff I'm doing isn't hard. Plus, since it's so close to my house, I can come home for lunch every day instead of buying something, which is saving me money. Also, because I have to get up at the same time every day, it's steadying out my sleep schedule, which I'm assuming can only be beneficial for my health. However, sitting in front of a computer screen all day is killing me softly. Looking at a computer screen for a long period of time makes me feel like hell for some reason; it makes no sense, but sitting and staring at something so closely like that, even if it's a book, makes my chest hurt and makes me incredibly dizzy. I have no idea why, but that is definitely the case. So by the end of the work day I feel like I'm dying. Plus, I haven't worked 40 hours a week in a very long time, since long before I got sick, and it's exhausting. My body and brain just aren't used to it yet...
The atmosphere at my new job is very interesting. People can wear whatever they want there... I saw a girl wearing bunny slippers today, and I saw two people at one time who weren't wearing shoes. Sweatpants are the norm. However, the way people talk to one another is a lot more formal than the attire would suggest. I'm scared to death I'm going to say something unprofessional to my boss or to one of the other people I work with and get in trouble, or get branded as someone who doesn't know how to be professional. It's a really strange feeling.
I have been feeling super dizzy lately, and it's sad really, because I'm kind of just used to it. I still hate it, of course, but it doesn't alarm me really anymore. I go back to my new neuro on the 28th of this month, and I'm hoping she changes my medicine, or has some kind of other suggestions on what might be wrong with me. I hate that I feel like I've gone back to the not-knowing stage. I'm just not really sure where I stand on a diagnosis at this point.
I went to a bar last Sunday for the Cardinals game with some friends from work, and I decided to take one HALF shot of Rumpleminze just to see what would happen. It was a terrible idea, and I ended up spending the next twenty minutes in the bathroom crouched over the toilet. Jessie had to come pick me up, and it was only 5:45 in the afternoon. I was really embarrassed, especially because I didn't really know most of the people we were with. Once I got outside the bar, though, I felt a lot better, and by the time we got home, which is only about ten minutes away from the bar, I felt fine. I'm pretty sure most of my nausea was anxiety -- since I haven't drank in ten months, the little bit of alcohol I did have gave me that warm feeling drinking gives people, and I think that scared me and I started to have a panic attack. My heart was racing while I was in the bathroom and my chest was super tight. Those are, of course, symptoms of POTS, as is nausea, so I never really know what is going on with me, but I'm pretty sure this time it was anxiety. It is still really embarrassing, and no one I work with besides Michelle will ever know that was the real reason I got sick. Either way, it definitely scared me away from drinking again any time in the near (or distant) future...
I really really need to start studying for the LSAT. I am supposed to be taking it December 3rd. I'm scared to death. I'm mostly scared because I'm afraid my anxiety or my POTS will be out of control and I'll (once again) embarrass myself. I think I'm putting off studying for it because I don't want to think about it. Also because I'm incredibly lazy and unmotivated. But that's neither here nor there, I guess.
The atmosphere at my new job is very interesting. People can wear whatever they want there... I saw a girl wearing bunny slippers today, and I saw two people at one time who weren't wearing shoes. Sweatpants are the norm. However, the way people talk to one another is a lot more formal than the attire would suggest. I'm scared to death I'm going to say something unprofessional to my boss or to one of the other people I work with and get in trouble, or get branded as someone who doesn't know how to be professional. It's a really strange feeling.
I have been feeling super dizzy lately, and it's sad really, because I'm kind of just used to it. I still hate it, of course, but it doesn't alarm me really anymore. I go back to my new neuro on the 28th of this month, and I'm hoping she changes my medicine, or has some kind of other suggestions on what might be wrong with me. I hate that I feel like I've gone back to the not-knowing stage. I'm just not really sure where I stand on a diagnosis at this point.
I went to a bar last Sunday for the Cardinals game with some friends from work, and I decided to take one HALF shot of Rumpleminze just to see what would happen. It was a terrible idea, and I ended up spending the next twenty minutes in the bathroom crouched over the toilet. Jessie had to come pick me up, and it was only 5:45 in the afternoon. I was really embarrassed, especially because I didn't really know most of the people we were with. Once I got outside the bar, though, I felt a lot better, and by the time we got home, which is only about ten minutes away from the bar, I felt fine. I'm pretty sure most of my nausea was anxiety -- since I haven't drank in ten months, the little bit of alcohol I did have gave me that warm feeling drinking gives people, and I think that scared me and I started to have a panic attack. My heart was racing while I was in the bathroom and my chest was super tight. Those are, of course, symptoms of POTS, as is nausea, so I never really know what is going on with me, but I'm pretty sure this time it was anxiety. It is still really embarrassing, and no one I work with besides Michelle will ever know that was the real reason I got sick. Either way, it definitely scared me away from drinking again any time in the near (or distant) future...
I really really need to start studying for the LSAT. I am supposed to be taking it December 3rd. I'm scared to death. I'm mostly scared because I'm afraid my anxiety or my POTS will be out of control and I'll (once again) embarrass myself. I think I'm putting off studying for it because I don't want to think about it. Also because I'm incredibly lazy and unmotivated. But that's neither here nor there, I guess.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Finally!!
Something good has finally happened to me! I know, shocking, right? I received a phone call yesterday morning from a temp agency I applied with a couple months ago, and they offered me a position working as clerical support for a mortgage company. It pays all right, and it's full time, and it's NOT what I'm doing now. I start Monday morning at 10... I hope I don't hate it. I didn't quit Bandana's, I just told them I can only work one shift a week. I didn't want to burn any bridges there, since this is only a temporary position (for now), and I have finally begun to make some friends there, so I don't want to leave them either. I'm kind of sad it's not a law firm position, but at least it's something better than what I've got now. And hopefully I'll be able to start paying off my enormous amounts of debt I've been accruing the last few months.
I went to the law school yesterday to get some info. about the dual degree with the HDFS school, and I am really excited to get things rolling with that as well. After listening to what they had to say, I think I've decided to forgo getting the MS in HDFS and just get the JD. It's one year less of school, and I won't have to take the GRE... only the LSAT. Which I still need to sign up for, but that costs money, so it'll have to wait... I have until Oct. 31, so hopefully I can make enough money to pay for it by then.
My job situation might be getting better, but my health isn't... My cardio's office never called me to make an appointment with her. It's Wednesday night now, and I called them Monday afternoon. To me, that's just not okay. What if I were having a heart attack? I guess I'm just supposed to wait it out... This really frustrates me, obviously, but it also makes me upset because I don't know where to go from here. I see my new neuro again on the 28th, so hopefully she can come up with more answers. Or at least send me to someone who might be able to help me more than she can.
Anyway, the Cards game is getting interesting, so I'm done for now...
I went to the law school yesterday to get some info. about the dual degree with the HDFS school, and I am really excited to get things rolling with that as well. After listening to what they had to say, I think I've decided to forgo getting the MS in HDFS and just get the JD. It's one year less of school, and I won't have to take the GRE... only the LSAT. Which I still need to sign up for, but that costs money, so it'll have to wait... I have until Oct. 31, so hopefully I can make enough money to pay for it by then.
My job situation might be getting better, but my health isn't... My cardio's office never called me to make an appointment with her. It's Wednesday night now, and I called them Monday afternoon. To me, that's just not okay. What if I were having a heart attack? I guess I'm just supposed to wait it out... This really frustrates me, obviously, but it also makes me upset because I don't know where to go from here. I see my new neuro again on the 28th, so hopefully she can come up with more answers. Or at least send me to someone who might be able to help me more than she can.
Anyway, the Cards game is getting interesting, so I'm done for now...
Monday, October 3, 2011
It's just not fair.
My heart rate has been all over the place lately. At the gym it's the most noticeable. One day a brisk walk gets it up to 140 bpm, the next day I can't get it over 110 while running, and the following day I can't get it below 115 while sitting after my workout. Then, this past Saturday it was extremely erratic. I was standing by the door at work when all of a sudden my chest felt very tight and I got tunnel vision like I was going to black out. I reached up to feel my pulse, as I do so often these days, and nothing was there. Like nothing. For about one or two seconds. That was followed by two extremely fast, hard beats, and then it slowed down again, and then it sped back up. It was elevated the rest of the day. After my shift that night, I checked my pulse and it was 120. I wasn't even doing that much activity. I thought my beta-blocker was supposed to prevent all this?! I can only imagine what it would be like if I weren't on it...
I gave my shift away on Sunday just in case I still felt bad, and I'm really glad I did, because I felt terrible yesterday too. My heart rate was all over the place again, for no apparent reason. It was completely independent of whether I was standing, laying, or sitting. It wasn't as bad as it was on Saturday, but it was still enough to want to go to the ER. But I've been down that road before -- they do an EKG, and by that point, my HR has completely stabilized (good ol' Murphy's Law... I hate Murphy.). They give my an IV just in case I'm dehydrated and send me on my way telling me I need to call my cardio first thing in the morning. So I decided just to stay home and hope that it went away. Which it didn't. But unless I'm having a heart attack no one believes anything is wrong anyway, so why waste the money. I guess when I stroke out over dinner people will finally start to take me seriously...
Today wasn't much better. My HR was all over the place again, independent of my position, and I've had a couple of episodes where it felt like it wasn't beating at all, or like it skipped a beat. When I got home from work I called my cardio to see if I could get in this week (more like tomorrow...) and the receptionist was really weird. She said she couldn't make appointments for Dr. Q anymore, that her assistant had to do it. So I had to leave a message on her assistant's voicemail, and of course she didn't call me back. So I guess I'm not going to get an appointment any time soon. I guess I'll just wait it out. Hopefully it either gets better, which means I won't need to see anyone anyway, or it gets worse, which means I can go to the ER without them laughing in my face.
Another new thing has started lately too. If I have my head tilted even a little bit I get so dizzy I feel like I'm going to fall over. Almost like vertigo. I don't know if this is related to POTS or what. I'm actually not even sure if I have POTS. I have been told so many different things by so many people I don't know what to think, and that is extremely frustrating. Do I have POTS? Do I have migraines? Is this all an inner ear issue? Are there inner ear issues involved? Someone figure me out!! I would really like to have an MRI done with contrast and an ECHO of my heart done. If both of those things came back normal (as Murphy dictates they would) I would feel a lot better having ruled out more options.
I have been having a really hard time lately. I have been more upset about the cards I've been dealt, mainly because I feel like I'm going backward, diagnosis-wise. I feel like hell, and everyone keeps telling me how I'm just being a hypochondriac, or how I need to just not think about it and it will go away. I feel even worse now than before, and I'm just so tired of it... Did my health really peak at 22 years old? Am I just aging, like that neuroophthalmologist said? This can't be right. It's just not fair.
Well my heart feels like it's going to explode, so I'm going to end here for now. I will post updates about my health, as always.
I gave my shift away on Sunday just in case I still felt bad, and I'm really glad I did, because I felt terrible yesterday too. My heart rate was all over the place again, for no apparent reason. It was completely independent of whether I was standing, laying, or sitting. It wasn't as bad as it was on Saturday, but it was still enough to want to go to the ER. But I've been down that road before -- they do an EKG, and by that point, my HR has completely stabilized (good ol' Murphy's Law... I hate Murphy.). They give my an IV just in case I'm dehydrated and send me on my way telling me I need to call my cardio first thing in the morning. So I decided just to stay home and hope that it went away. Which it didn't. But unless I'm having a heart attack no one believes anything is wrong anyway, so why waste the money. I guess when I stroke out over dinner people will finally start to take me seriously...
Today wasn't much better. My HR was all over the place again, independent of my position, and I've had a couple of episodes where it felt like it wasn't beating at all, or like it skipped a beat. When I got home from work I called my cardio to see if I could get in this week (more like tomorrow...) and the receptionist was really weird. She said she couldn't make appointments for Dr. Q anymore, that her assistant had to do it. So I had to leave a message on her assistant's voicemail, and of course she didn't call me back. So I guess I'm not going to get an appointment any time soon. I guess I'll just wait it out. Hopefully it either gets better, which means I won't need to see anyone anyway, or it gets worse, which means I can go to the ER without them laughing in my face.
Another new thing has started lately too. If I have my head tilted even a little bit I get so dizzy I feel like I'm going to fall over. Almost like vertigo. I don't know if this is related to POTS or what. I'm actually not even sure if I have POTS. I have been told so many different things by so many people I don't know what to think, and that is extremely frustrating. Do I have POTS? Do I have migraines? Is this all an inner ear issue? Are there inner ear issues involved? Someone figure me out!! I would really like to have an MRI done with contrast and an ECHO of my heart done. If both of those things came back normal (as Murphy dictates they would) I would feel a lot better having ruled out more options.
I have been having a really hard time lately. I have been more upset about the cards I've been dealt, mainly because I feel like I'm going backward, diagnosis-wise. I feel like hell, and everyone keeps telling me how I'm just being a hypochondriac, or how I need to just not think about it and it will go away. I feel even worse now than before, and I'm just so tired of it... Did my health really peak at 22 years old? Am I just aging, like that neuroophthalmologist said? This can't be right. It's just not fair.
Well my heart feels like it's going to explode, so I'm going to end here for now. I will post updates about my health, as always.
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