things are always the same...

I could update and update and update this blog, but things always seem to be the same: I have no money, I am lonely, I'm tired of being sick... Nothing is changing, and I hate it.

I have been looking for jobs like crazy, but I'm under-qualified for every position I want and no one is giving me a chance. I have been considering cross-training as a server at Bandana's, and I have also been reconsidering asking the manager at Chili's for my job back, but I'd really like to find a day job. But the problem there is that if I go back to school it will be full time, during the day. So should I really get a day job if I'm going to have to quit it in less than a year? But, is my health good enough to wait tables every day? I'm very torn...

However, I don't really have the luxury of sitting around trying to make a decision. I literally save EVERY single penny I make, and I still can't afford rent each month, let alone all the other bills I have. I have been selling things on craigslist and amazon like crazy, but it's just not cutting it... We got our deposit check back from our old place, and it wasn't NEARLY what we thought it was going to be. Since it wasn't enough to pay my mom back what we owe her though, we decided to just keep it and apply it toward our current bills, which helped me make rent this month. And I went on a job interview yesterday for a position at Joe Machens... but it doesn't really seem to be my type of job. If I get the position, it would be a major pay increase, but I'm scared I won't be able to do what the position requires... or that I will hate it. Plus the hours are terrible. I'm definitely not used to working 40 hours a week...

Now that David is back in school and Jessie is dating Bob again, I am alone a LOT more than I like. Even when David is here, he is doing homework upstairs, so it's not like we're spending a lot of time together. And when Jessie is here she is up in her room, or doing homework also... I think I've done something to make her mad lately, but I'm not really sure what... Ever since she and Bob started dating again things have been super weird between her and me. And it sucks, because I don't really have any other friends here in Columbia. Kaitlin and I haven't talked since the beginning of July -- I'm pretty sure she hates me actually. I can say I'm not sure why, but that isn't exactly true... I texted her and asked her if she could take me to the doctor but she was busy so she couldn't; then she texted me back saying we could hang out the next day but I misread it and thought she was saying she could hang out that day, and since I was feeling so shitty all I said back was, "Don't worry about it," which as a response to what she actually said was pretty rude. Plus, she and Jessie hung out after that at our house, when Jessie and I had had plans that night, and my feelings were really hurt so I was sort of cold to Kaitlin that day too... So I guess it's my fault that she doesn't talk to me anymore...

I wish the people I work with at Bandana's wanted to hang out with me. I actually wish I could move back to St. Louis, but when I really sit down and think about it I wonder if that would make things any better or not... Allyssa and I have been hanging out more lately, but only when I come in town. If I lived there I feel like it would be the same as all my other friends -- she'd be spending all her time with Derek and I would still be lonely.

To be completely honest, if I weren't sick I think my social life would be a lot better. Right now I'm sitting on the couch thinking about how if I don't focus all my effort, I might pass out. How could I possibly think about going out and having fun? Also, 99% of things I would want to do with friends requires money, which is something I'm fresh out of. That's why it makes me so sad that Jessie and aren't hanging out as much anymore. With her, we could just sit there and watch TV for four hours and that would be fine. But now I feel like that isn't good enough anymore, or I'm not good enough anymore, or something... It's just frustrating...

I am seeing two new doctors in a couple weeks. One is the neurologist my family doctor referred me to, and the other is a neuro-ophthalmologist my eye doctor and cardiologist both referred me to. I'm cautiously optimistic about seeing the two of them, because I feel like the more doctors I see, the more chance there will be to find someone who can actually help me. But I'm also nervous... I got some blood drawn last Friday and the doctor's office called me back today and said that my globulin levels were elevated. But when I asked what that meant, the person I was talking to (who I'm assuming was the receptionist) couldn't give me any information about what globulin is. She said it's only slightly elevated, and she made is sound like something I shouldn't really worry about, but since she had no idea what she was talking about I feel like I should take that with a grain of salt... I'm also nervous about the neuro-ophthalmologist specifically. The nurse or receptionist who answered the phone when I called the first time was a horrible bitch. I can't stop thinking about that, and I'm scared the doctor is going to be the same way... I know that makes no sense, but it still scares me. Plus, I have been having all these vision problems for the past year that have gotten worse recently, and I'm scared she is going to find something more serious than just POTS. Either way, no matter how nervous I am, I'm definitely more excited than anything. I feel like it's a good thing that I can still get excited about seeing a new doctor -- I feel like that shows I haven't given up on doctors altogether (even though I really really want to sometimes...).

My self-esteem is awful. Between not having a real job, being sick all the time, and feeling completely alone all the time, I feel terrible about myself. Plus, since I am bored all the time, I eat way more than I should -- which makes me feel even worse about myself. I know I need to start exercising, for more reasons than just to lose weight: exercise is supposed to help POTS patients tremendously. But I'm really scared. For one, I'm scared I'm going to pass right out on the floor of the gym, or on the side of the road, and embarrass the hell out of myself. Or even worse, not be found passed out in the street and get hit by a car or something... Or, I could exercise with someone else, but literally EVERYONE I know has exercised more than me (which isn't hard to accomplish) so they will be significantly better than me at it and I will look like a jackass. My cardiologist said I need to make time to exercise... Time is not the problem. I have plenty of time. It's motivation I'm lacking. Motivation and stamina and will-power and energy...