life update

After I posted last Thursday, I called the bank where I have my car loan, trying to find out how much I still owed on my Grand Am. I thought it was around $2500... turns out it was closer to $4200. This meant that it was going to be way more difficult to make any money on my trade in, which meant that my parents couldn't spend as much on a car for me. When I told my mom how much I still owed, she freaked out. She basically told me I had to get something small, like a Ford Focus, because they couldn't afford anything else. I wanted to try and negotiate with the dealers on the price issue, but she basically said it was a Focus or nothing. It got pretty heated, and I was really upset. I finally talked to my dad, and he calmed her down and they decided that we would still look at all the cars I wanted to look at and try to do some negotiating.

My parents got into town Friday night, and at 8:30 on Saturday morning we met for breakfast. We got to the first dealer, the Honda dealer, at about 9:30. We didn't even leave there until around 11, but we had managed to talk them down to our price range, which I thought was amazing. Especially for such a good car. But when I drove it on the highway, I wasn't super excited about the way it handled... I didn't say anything though, thinking it was just the wind...

The next place we went was the Nissan dealer. I test-drove one car, but I wasn't excited about the color. But when I drove two others, I didn't like the way they drove as well as the first one. So we negotiated with them about the price, and we also talked them down to our price range. I was getting very confused and frustrated though, because I could NOT decide between the two. I didn't like the way the Honda handled on the highway, and I thought the Nissan's seats were really uncomfortable. I was having a really really hard time trying to make a decision. I really thought I was going to freak out. Plus it was already like 2:30, and dealerships close at 6 on Saturdays. Finally we decided to just go to the Mazda dealer, and if I didn't like that one any better I was going to have to choose between the Honda and the Nissan.

At the Mazda dealer, I test-drove a higher model than the base model, since my parents get the employee discount. It had lots of cool features, but it was black. It turned out that they didn't have any other colors that had ALL the features this one had, so I had to stick with the black one. I finally decided that I liked that one better than the Honda and the Nissan, and I was so excited I had finally made a decision. But then the salesman quoted us a price that was way out of our price range. It took us a really long time to talk them down to something we could afford, and I was scared it wasn't going to happen at all. I just wanted to break down and cry, but I didn't, and they ended up doing what we wanted. So now I am the proud new owner of a black Mazda6! I love it. It has bluetooth (which I didn't care at all about, but my mom wanted me to have it... and now I love it); it has a sunroof (which was the thing that all the other colors didn't have); it has power seats (which my last car didn't have and I really wanted)... It's just really cool.

My parents said I did a good job negotiating with the salesmen at the dealerships. They seemed surprised. I am glad they think that, but it makes me feel like they don't have a whole lot of faith in me as a functioning adult. I feel like they think I'm a child who is still dependent on them for everything...

I love my car a lot. And I am really appreciative of what they did for me, because I would definitely not have been able to afford this on my own... but I can't stop thinking about how my parents have bought literally everything nice that I own. All the expensive clothes I have I got as Christmas gifts. My parents bought my iPhone. They bought my car... It's a really hard thing to admit to myself. Yesterday at work, this girl Haley asked me how I can afford my car, and I was almost embarrassed to tell her that my parents bought it for me... not because I don't like it, but because I feel like it makes me look like I'm not independent. And I know that they bought it for me so I CAN be independent and pay for my own things in the coming months, but it's still hard to know that I don't have nice things because of my own accomplishments... I guess I will get there some day... Just not today...

On another note, I hate having POTS. Like, a lot. I FINALLY feel better because of the medicine I take every day, but I still get really tired, and I still can't go out and drink. Aside from the fact that alcohol makes me feel like I'm dying, just being in the bar scene makes me crazy anxious. A few months ago I went to Piano Bar with Jessie and David and I thought I was going to be sick the whole time we were there. I know that anxiety-like symptoms are part of POTS, plus I'm just nervous that I'm going to have extreme symptoms while I'm in public, also causing anxiety... It's really hard to explain, and people who don't have POTS or anxiety at all don't understand. Especially my mom. All she says is, "just stop being so anxious." Like I can help it. Obviously I would have gotten over my anxiety some time in the last EIGHT YEARS if I could just stop being so anxious. I just try not to talk about it because no one understands, except Kaitlin, because her roommate has POTS too. But I still don't like talking about it, because no one can see my symptoms, so I think they don't really know whether I'm faking it, or over-exaggerating things...

On top of everything with my health, I feel like I'm having an identity crisis. I will be graduating in less than one month, and I have NO idea what I'm going to be doing with myself. I hate my job way too much to keep working there. But I don't want to go get a job in a laboratory somewhere because I know that's not what I want to do. If I work at a restaurant while I try to figure out what I want to do, I can just quit whenever I want... But a real job isn't expendable like that, and I can't just up and quit one day because I found something better. Just thinking about what I'm going to do after graduation makes me want to cry hysterically because I feel like a huge loser. I'm not going to grad school, I'm not going to medical school, I have no job lined up... And I know EVERYONE at my graduation party is going to ask me what I'm going to do... I already have people asking me if I have a job lined up. And I can joke around about it all I want, but it's really going to suck to have to tell 100 people at my party that I am going no where with my life...

I just wish I had something to look forward to. Everyone in my capstone class is talking about graduation... this one girl, Alisha, is sooo excited to graduate. She said it's the only thing she can think about. But I'm not looking forward to it, because things are so unclear after that. When I graduated high school, I knew exactly what I was going to do -- I was going to go to college. But now... I'm just not sure. And I hate it. I just wish I knew what kind of career I wanted to have. Then I could make decisions that would help me accomplish that goal... But I just don't know.

Another thing... I miss David. He has a really heavy load at school this semester, and he is always studying and working with groups on projects for his classes. I feel like we never see each other anymore. Part of that is the fact that I want to spend time with Jessie too, so sometimes I have to choose her over him. I feel like he and I have a long distance relationship going on; we really only see each other on the weekends. I hate it. I feel really lonely a lot of the time, especially when Jessie is at work, or going out with friends. (Because I can't drink I don't get invited out anymore...) I wish David were graduating too so we could have more time together...

Anyway, I'm done bitching now. I'm off to bed, because I have nothing better to do.