My new job

I started my new job on Monday, and so far it has been all right. I like that I will be getting a steady (and larger) paycheck each week, and the stuff I'm doing isn't hard. Plus, since it's so close to my house, I can come home for lunch every day instead of buying something, which is saving me money. Also, because I have to get up at the same time every day, it's steadying out my sleep schedule, which I'm assuming can only be beneficial for my health. However, sitting in front of a computer screen all day is killing me softly. Looking at a computer screen for a long period of time makes me feel like hell for some reason; it makes no sense, but sitting and staring at something so closely like that, even if it's a book, makes my chest hurt and makes me incredibly dizzy. I have no idea why, but that is definitely the case. So by the end of the work day I feel like I'm dying. Plus, I haven't worked 40 hours a week in a very long time, since long before I got sick, and it's exhausting. My body and brain just aren't used to it yet...

The atmosphere at my new job is very interesting. People can wear whatever they want there... I saw a girl wearing bunny slippers today, and I saw two people at one time who weren't wearing shoes. Sweatpants are the norm. However, the way people talk to one another is a lot more formal than the attire would suggest. I'm scared to death I'm going to say something unprofessional to my boss or to one of the other people I work with and get in trouble, or get branded as someone who doesn't know how to be professional. It's a really strange feeling.

I have been feeling super dizzy lately, and it's sad really, because I'm kind of just used to it. I still hate it, of course, but it doesn't alarm me really anymore. I go back to my new neuro on the 28th of this month, and I'm hoping she changes my medicine, or has some kind of other suggestions on what might be wrong with me. I hate that I feel like I've gone back to the not-knowing stage. I'm just not really sure where I stand on a diagnosis at this point.

I went to a bar last Sunday for the Cardinals game with some friends from work, and I decided to take one HALF shot of Rumpleminze just to see what would happen. It was a terrible idea, and I ended up spending the next twenty minutes in the bathroom crouched over the toilet. Jessie had to come pick me up, and it was only 5:45 in the afternoon. I was really embarrassed, especially because I didn't really know most of the people we were with. Once I got outside the bar, though, I felt a lot better, and by the time we got home, which is only about ten minutes away from the bar, I felt fine. I'm pretty sure most of my nausea was anxiety -- since I haven't drank in ten months, the little bit of alcohol I did have gave me that warm feeling drinking gives people, and I think that scared me and I started to have a panic attack. My heart was racing while I was in the bathroom and my chest was super tight. Those are, of course, symptoms of POTS, as is nausea, so I never really know what is going on with me, but I'm pretty sure this time it was anxiety. It is still really embarrassing, and no one I work with besides Michelle will ever know that was the real reason I got sick. Either way, it definitely scared me away from drinking again any time in the near (or distant) future...

I really really need to start studying for the LSAT. I am supposed to be taking it December 3rd. I'm scared to death. I'm mostly scared because I'm afraid my anxiety or my POTS will be out of control and I'll (once again) embarrass myself. I think I'm putting off studying for it because I don't want to think about it. Also because I'm incredibly lazy and unmotivated. But that's neither here nor there, I guess.