another new doctor

I'm going to see another new doctor this Friday. I feel like that's all I do these days... The doctor I'm seeing is an internist, and the appointment was originally made just to set up a doctor here in town as a GP, but I have felt so awful this week that I'm really glad I have the appointment. My POTS is pretty bad -- I've been incredibly dizzy the past few days. My back is absolutely killing me. I don't know if it's our bed or what, but I can't hardly stand it. Also, I have this tick bite that just won't heal. I got bit by two ticks the week of the 12th and one bite healed just fine. The other one is really super itchy still and red and stuff. I'm scared it got infected or I didn't get the head out or something. I'm scared this doctor is going to think I'm crazy or a hypochondriac or something because I'm gonna go in there for the first time and have like fifteen things wrong. I hope I don't hate her. I hope she doesn't hate me.

On another note, I still don't have a new job. I've started bcc-ing my mom into every email I send because she called me lazy the other day because I don't have a new job yet. I'm hoping that me blowing up her inbox with all the resumes I'm sending will prove to her that I'm trying. Probably not though... I'm getting really worried, because I have to buy my dress for Lindsey's wedding by the end of October and I was hoping to have some other bills paid off by the time that comes around. But if I don't find another job, I don't think I'm going to be able to afford any of my bills, let alone a $200 dress. As it is, I have people at work giving me money because they feel bad for me... I just don't know what to do...

I am supposed to be going out with a few people from work tonight, and I'm really nervous. I don't go out very often anymore because being in large crowds makes me feel terrible, plus I can't drink anyway. I have never been to the bar they're going to, so I don't know what to expect which makes my anxiety about ten times worse. I am going to take some Xanax before I leave, but today's been a pretty bad day as far as my POTS goes, so I don't know how long I'll be able to stay out. Plus I'm kind of scared Jessie's going to get mad when she finds out that I went out tonight, because she asks me to go out all the time and I always say no. Maybe I shouldn't go at all... I don't know! I wish I could just make split-second, spontaneous decisions like everyone else my age without having to worry about how sick I feel. I hate this.

I don't break down and cry very often about the cards I've been dealt, but two nights ago I did. I just wonder sometimes what I did to get the short end of the health stick. I was fine one day and then the next day I woke up and bam! - I felt like I had been hit by a truck. Why? Why me? Is this karma? I know I've done some awful things in my life, but come on! I don't exactly feel like I deserve this. And what makes the situation so much worse is now I have one doctor telling me my symptoms aren't all POTS, and another telling me the first doctor is wrong about it being migraines, so I feel like I'm back where I started - no one knows what the hell is wrong with me. I am so tired of being dizzy 24/7 that I could just cry. It makes me hate my life.

Anyway, enough of that. I have to go take drugs now so I can act like a normal 23 year old. My life is awesome...