I have no idea.

I am going to see a GI dr. on Tuesday. I am terrified. Mostly because I know there is no way in hell I'm going to be able to give a stool sample on command. Half the time I can't go if I know David is close enough he might hear me. How am I supposed to go when there's a fleet of doctors and nurses waiting outside the door who all know what I'm in there doing?? As if that isn't embarrassing enough, a co-worker mentioned that I might be able to bring them a stool sample, rather than give one there... cool. I live two hours away. So I'll be driving down the highway, get pulled over, and when the officer says, "ma'am what's in that bag?" I'll be all, "Nothing officer," and then I'll get arrested... Well, it may not go exactly like that. But it's still humiliating. However, I really want to know what is wrong with me, so the more things I can rule out the better.

I was driving home from St. Louis Thursday night, and suddenly I got double vision worse than I've ever had before. It was terrifying. It was worst when I looked at the lines on the side of the road... okay, tell me nothing is wrong... come on. That's not okay. Now I'm scared to drive at night at all, because I don't want to wreck and die when I don't know which set of taillights I'm looking at actually belong to the car in front of me and which are a figment of my imagination.

My job situation isn't exactly going according to plan either. I figured out a couple weeks ago that my position is typically seasonal. As in, when the busy season is over, they don't need assistants anymore. I started panicking, thinking about how I needed to polish my resume and apply for a position within the company, but then something horrible happened to a fellow temp: they told her, after weeks of training, that she had the job as a processor, but then HR called her and told her the had decided not to bring her on. But since her previous position as an assistant had been filled, she was jobless. I'm terrified now that the same will happen to me, and I can't bear to think about it. I don't know what to do now... I don't know whether I should stay where I am and hope the busy season is longer than they expect (which appears to be the case, as of right now) or apply for a job and constantly stress about whether the training I'm going through is going to lead anywhere... I don't know who to trust there, aside from a handful of the processors I work with, but they can't really help me much past putting in a good word for me. Also, I'm not 100% sure I even want to be a processor for the company - one of the guys I work with was there until at least 1:30 the other night. And staying until 10 or later seems to be the norm for many of them. I don't think I am cut out for that, considering all the health issues I am dealing with... which, of course, begs the question: am I cut out to be a lawyer? The hours aren't going to be much better there. I like the idea of a 40-hour-per-week job that I can leave at 5pm every day and not worry about for the rest of the day. But I'm afraid jobs like that won't have any opportunities for advancement. David always says that when people start out their careers they work way more than 40 hours a week. I wish my health would allow me to do that...

This whole situation is so stressful. I like my job just the way it is right now. I don't want things to change, and I don't want to have to make a decision about what to do next. And don't even get me started on whether or not I should go to law school. One of the guys at work is always telling me I need to do something more with myself than be an assistant. He thinks I have potential or whatever, I get it... but he doesn't know anything about me past the fact that I'm a hard worker and a fast learner - is that enough? Am I cut out to be a lawyer? Am I cut out for all the hard work that goes into it? I have no idea.